Harboring our Feelings

If you are a woman and you can say that you have zero insecurities----YOUR LIEING. How many of us get swallowed up by our insecurities? How many of us let them rule over us, influencing our every move? How can we move past them, in order to live a positive life? How can we continue to have healthy long lasting relationships?

Most people who know me would never see insecurity on my face. Your first impression of me would more often be that I'm a confidant woman immediately as I walk into a room. Don't let my face fool you.
This past week I must admit I've been struggling with what I've figured out...is little devils tucked deep beneath my confidant facade. I am most insecure of people I love leaving me. My poor husband of 7 years still has to pay for what was done to me in my past. I feel sorry for him at times.


This Saturday my family and I were eating lunch at my favorite (don't ask why) kid friendly restaurant Red Robin. I was in a particular hormonal mood....prior to lunch we had our pictures done and any of you that have 2 small children know how stressful that can be. I looked across the table and saw my husband staring at a woman clear on the other side of the room, with a forced hidden smirk all over his face. I asked him "what are you smiling at?" he replied, still forcing his lips to not turn up "I'll tell you later" I pushed "No, tell me right now...I'm going to sit here and stare at you until you tell me what the heck is going on in your head" (Wow, and yet he loves that I have determination...somehow I don't think he does at this point) I'm not sure why I absolutely needed to know why he was staring at that woman...yes I have insecurities but hardly not about other women. Finally after about 5 minutes of back and forthing, he sadly looked at me and said "I told them to sing Happy Birthday to you, because I wanted to see you smile".......
Oh man......
Not only did I feel like a complete jerk, but I had robbed him of giving me the kindest gesture that I was already completely undeserving of. I was speechless and made a vow to myself to never push him into submission again!
On the way home, my guilt as a wife that day had overwhelmed me. I turned to him and explained "I'm afraid you are going to leave me and the kids, if I don't make you happy"....This is why I feel sorry for my poor husband. After 7 years? Has he not shown me he is in it for the long haul? Will he ever be able to prove it? Will I ever feel secure? The answer.....

Probably not.

Insecurity is a feeling. No matter what or where the root of it lies...it is a feeling. If you live your life on a feeling...your never really going to live. I let my feelings control me that day. I was hormonal, I felt insecure....blah blah....all feelings. And look at the damage it caused? We as woman must harbor those feelings. Don't let them control you, because if you do...someday what you are feeling (afraid of loved ones leaving)  really will come true. The next time I feel those feelings of insecurity creep up, for the sake of my husband and children, I must keep them under control. I like to write them down and put them in my "God Box". Giving it to God, He knows where those little devils belong.

The 5 month itch

Lilly Bea will be 5 months old in 5 days. Since day one she has been exclusively breast fed with little to no problems. Since I developed mastitis about a month ago...breastfeeding has pretty much sucked. My supply went to an all time low on what I call "the bad side" (it's my right side, milk comes slow, it looks basically deformed and it's where I've had mastitis 3 times....not to mention it's now 2 cup sizes smaller than the other) every time I put her there she fusses-yells at me-pulls away (you can imagine how embarrassing this gets in public when she violently flings her head back exposing my sad little boob the minute I even tilt her to the right side). It's really not very glamorous...I work 2 or 3 days a week and have to find the time for 20 minutes of pumping 3 times a day-I barely have time to use the restroom at my job. And pumping SUCKS. That's the non glamorous part...I'm literally being milked LIKE  A COW in a bathroom with random knocks at the door for patrons wanting to use the toilet!

Everything was so easy before! Why is this the dreadful month? Same thing happened with Austin!! I've contracted an illness...I've diagnosed myself with

THE 5 MONTH (breastfeeding) ITCH

I know your thinking "umm...duh she's gonna quit" ...No...I'm apparently a masochistic Mother. I will stay in this and struggle day by day until I really have no other option. I pray it gets better. I make it sound terrible, but really I'm just venting.

Ok time to be positive

It's free. It doesn't smell like sour disgustingness that I wouldn't put in my own mouth. (I'm not judging formula...I only nursed Austin exclusively for under 8 months). It's statistically proven to lower her and my risk of breast cancer, helps her immunity, less likely to be a picky eater, I can eat a donut and not feel bad <--------- my favorite ;) Lots and lots of more reasons.....and really the bonding experience is like no other when she's on "the good side"

I'm just venting....like so many other breastfeeding Mother's (Where are they? Because I only know of my sister at the moment!) We see bottle fed babies, and they sleep all night, can be fed easily half the amount of times I nurse, the mommies can drink 8 cups of coffee a day with not a worry (Lil Bea would be wired!!)

Oops I started being negative again...

Am I going to stop right now? No. Do I want to? Not really. Would I love prayers and words of encouragement? Yes please!! I'm trying to do what's best for her because I've come this far, maybe this is just a little hurdle. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now I must hit my goal of 6 months and after that we'll see where we are after that.

This is a very personal pic. Lilly looking up at me after her very first latch.

My Sis Jess and I nursing under the communal blanket!

Manners....not just for old people.

Currently I'm reading "Bringing up Girls" by the great Dr. Dobson. In the chapeter "Teaching Girls to be Ladies", he says "Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals". .....Manners? The 21st century has often encouraged us as girls to be; crude, loud, profane, immodest, aggressive. That's in our nature. Does it not totally make sense that if we are taught "the rules" as young children such as manners....that later our heads would connect that our morals are important because....it's "the rules" it's how you live life, it's how you build integrity, and it is ALL very very important.
 How can I teach my daughter manners in this world? Look at the world she is being exposed to!!! Instead of sitting here depressed at how dark and immoral this world has come to, there is hope people.
Statistically it is proven that a child brought up in the best private school, the most involved in church, being thrown into all that is most Holy....pales in comparison to what is being taught in the home. We all know this ~leading by example~. Also, children will remember repetition, traditions....something that has been done over and over such as: reading a story every night, bedtime routine....

Dinner together as a family

That's where manners are instilled! That's where the family connects. That needs to happen!! EVERY NIGHT!!!  Lets be real, maybe not every night....5 out of 7 at least. Dinner together as a family is a perfect way to show her by example, and repetition...things like....
Not interuppting (patience), waiting until everyone is served before you start to eat (thinking of others before you), praying (Christ centered life), and having these expectations of her while deepening our bond as a family.
"Don't put your elbows on the table or I'll poke you with my fork!!" No, that definately would not deepen our bond...hehe.
 In this horrible world where TV is constantly blaring ME ME ME she will learn most of what she needs socially through her manners. Call me an old fart or whatever, but I now know the meaning and importance of manners. And both my children will be shown it....at the dinner table every (almost every) night.

I searched "image of etiquette" I thought this was pretty good...Mother and Daughter setting the table for their family? Really looking forward to this with her.

Building Our Sanctuary

It takes a certain type of person to make their bed every day. Like what is the point? Most of the time when I actually get to it, it's 2pm when my children are down for a nap we're sooo gonna go to sleep anyway in a few hours! I've always thought that the person that makes their bed REALLY has their life together. To do something so monotonous but making sure to go that extra mile and pull things together...I thought...someday I'll make my bed every day.
Well I heard this message at a couples connection. The Pastor asked us..."Ladies, why do you turn your husbands down at night? Is it because your tired? Feel frumpy? Fat? Headache?"   Etc.... Let me ask you this....

"Do you build your Sanctuary?"

It starts from the very beginning of the day, before the craziness of the day starts between your husband and yourself. Before attitude creeps in..before the crankiness takes hold of you. Build your sanctuary.  Your sanctuary is your bedroom. You go there to SLEEP. Unwind. Spend time with each other. What does it look like? Do you have baby toys all over the floor? Bills scattered all over your desk? (BTW...who wants to look at bills before bed?) Do you have pictures of your kids cute little faces staring at you? Think. This is the place for your husband and you to reconnect. Now I'm sorry but it is very hard for me to be "Sexy wifey Alisha...while I'm tripping over toys and/or looking at bills" Let your room be your sanctuary for each other.
Here's how I build my sanctuary.... I make my bed....for my Hubby. When I walk into the room the first thing I look at is the bed. How much more inviting does it look for both of you to crawl into it together in crisp-tight-fresh sheets? With all of the crazyness in our lives...for all of the excuses I can make to not....well....you know;) I know, at the beginning of the day, I'm building our sanctuary by making the bed. No I don't make it every day, I'm no perfect wife (just ask my MIL that comes to watch the kids when I'm rushing out the door not making my bed on the 2 days I work!). But you can imagine how excited Hubby gets when he comes home to see the non-verbal communication staring at him when he looks at our pretty made bed!!
All I'm saying is that making your bed can be so much more than a monotonous task. For every second that I pull those sheets together I'm thinking of how much I love to serve my husband, as I fluff the pillows into place I'm thinking of how much he deserves to come home to -if not a perfect house-...a perfect bed.

P.s. I sent this to Hubby while he was at work. Needless to say he had a pretty good day:)

More than just reading the books.

My Darling Hubby posted on his Facebook status "The fact that you are willing to go out and buy 100 parenting books. Means you are already a good parent. " Hmm....In my thick head I just couldn't accept that.

When I became a Mother 2 and a half years ago I was just exactly that. I read every single book I could get my hands on! I was soooo determined to be a good Mother, it just couldn't be in the cards for me to fail. Perhaps I was running from my past. Most people become parents by the example they were shown from their parents, that couldn't be me. I was going to be the best Mother there ever was, and I wish I could say I became that from the 18 books I read to show for it. At first I tried to be perfect, well that lasted all of 5 minutes. The Lord has a great sense of humor, he gave me ...Austin:) I love my little guy with all my heart and soul, he ignites my smile and laughter every single day and I thank God for giving me exactly him. Austin as a baby was either laughing hysterically...or crying hysterically. Not much in between, and not much has changed in 2 years!! He's as strong willed as they come, and the Lord has put it on my heart that just like there are no perfect children...there certainly are no perfect parents. Having Austin has shown me that I get a fresh start! I don't have to be condemned by my past. The future is bright and Austin's is putty in my fingers.(Actually that sounds scary).

 Austin will grow up knowing that;

A) Daddy and Mommy love each other, just as they love me, just as God loves me.
B) The world does NOT revolve around me
C)Love God-love others
D) Share, please share

Ok that last one is only because he's 2 and well you know 2 year olds!!

Concluding now....

Just because you buy 100 books doesn't mean your parenting ends there...believe me I've lived that! It's leading by example, it's consistancy, it's following through, it's being reliable...it's being...there. That's how my children will know they are loved, it's not about being this "perfect parent". All I can pray is that they never ever question my love for them.