A year and a half ago, the Lord clearly placed on our hearts to home school. We thanked Him for the challenge and even arranged our home and work to offer them a life of learning from their parents. I embraced it whole heartedly, knowing it would be a struggle but relying on faith that God's hand was over this decision. As time grew on, I became more and more anxious about my role as teacher for my son. To be specific, it was extremely difficult for me to converse with him. It was darn near impossible to get him to look me in the eye, let alone focus on tasks that even interested him. I changed his diet, read a zillion books, remained on my knees and prayed through every step of the way. I also noticed that he would get very high levels of anxiety in social settings, and especially small enclosed rooms. I knew that God has called me to teach my child, but my heart was being changed. I didn't feel right watching my son hindered socially and expressively. I felt the Lord guide me into testing, and gaining more information on him. We decided to get him tested through the school district. There were countless meetings, testings, hearing the word "NO", and being zipped from one school to another. Every meeting was covered in prayer. Every day at school I prayed over my little boy, and asked God to continue to lead him and me. He was tested for Autism, only to come back negative. Finally, I found a specialist in behavioral disorders and within 24 hours he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
It hurts me to type that label. I fear my son will be pigeon-holed into opinions and classifications. Mothers reading this, please don't let anyone tell you who your child is. You KNOW WHO THEY ARE. If it's a label they need to give your child added benefits, then good. In my case it was what we needed to learn more information about our child so we could help him. But never give up on your child, just because they are what professionals consider "different", it doesn't mean anything other than what they write on a piece of paper. I will never ever accept my son is less. I will help and encourage him to be a man of God, and a benefit to this world and our eternal life.
I would be lying if I said I haven't questioned God through this. My human mind is weak at times, and I find myself wondering why God allowed this for my son and for our family. What did I do wrong? How can I endure this?
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives" John 12:24
Sometimes God's will isn't wrapped up in a pretty little package. Sometimes, bad seeds come our way. Unless we die to ourselves, our weak human selves, we will never be able to enjoy the plentiful harvest that is to come. The Lord has taught me more than I ever could've imagine through my son. I thank the Lord for trusting me with this cup.
