Losing Fear's Grip

Fear....Just saying the word right now....I feel a tug of war at my heart. The enemy really attacks you when your doing well. Just as I was  getting closer and closer to the place I want to be....a war was erupting between good and evil in me.

Lets start at the very beginning.


February of 2010 I find out I'm pregnant with Lilly. Not 2 weeks later, as I'm drifting to sleep, in the safety of my home, I open my eyes to see some sort of a women figure moving her head up and down at the foot of my bed.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I turn on the lights and (freak my husband out) telling him what just happened! I know sometimes people can hallucinate just before their brain shuts down to sleep, so I calm myself and snuggle back into my pillow.

Just as my body drifts off to dreamland.....

Right behind my ear (on the otherside of my husband) I hear a loud angry grunt not 2 inches away.

"WAAAAAAAHHHH"

This time I'm sobbing and can't even move or breath. I've never been so scared in my life....in my entire life.

For the next year and a half, I feel an enormous weight of anxiety. At first I couldn't sleep with my closet open (apparently the creepy girl was living in there, don't ask why), I had to remain completely covered with blankets to sleep...all this irrational fear was that I would see or hear something again. After Lilly was born I was convinced it was some spirit trying to harm my Lilly, I felt as if whatever this was...was angry, and jealous that Lilly was here. After Lilly was born I couldn't be alone with her in her room, in the dark. I tried and tried to pray whatever was haunting me away, or tell myself it was just hallucinations or hormones from the pregnancy....nothing worked, nothing mattered. I lived in a state of fear for 16 months straight. I can't even believe that as I type it. I would wake up sweating from dreams of my children being harmed, then not able to sleep for hours. My heart would race in the middle of the night. It consumed me mostly at night. What I was most afraid of, was my children being harmed. My precious gifts. You see, in my life...there are 2 different books...there is B.J. (Before Justin) and A.J. (After Justin). I guess my fear was that BJ was going to take AJ!!

I wish you knew how hard it is for me to share this with you. I know inside (or outside) your laughing that I'm a leunatic!
But trust me, I'm about to get rational.

Whether you or I believe in spirits or ghosts (or crazy angry girls with heads that nod!) doesn't really matter. What was truly happening here is the enemy was desperately gripping whatever last part of me he could get his hands on! Of course that's why the spirit of fear took residance in my house just as I was pregnant with Lilly, I was finding completion, finding happiness. Now, I truly had enough of this grip. So, I asked a good friend of mine whom is extremely scripture knowledgable, to spend an hour with me to discuss a solution. This is what we discussed;

 Fear, is NOT from God...therefore it must be from what is Evil.

Matthew 10:1 - Jesus called his 12 disciples and gave them AUTHORITY to cast out evil spirits.

I needed to find strength and AUTHORITY against the enemy. I was weak, and praying them away out of fear. Since this discussion I have felt refreshed. Whatever was not of God is not allowed in my home. I'm able to walk (in the dark) and sleep soundly knowing as it states in Hebrews 1, that Jesus is more powerful than the spiritual realm. Therefore, Jesus has authority over my house.  This is a huge step for me. Just another step closer truly being the woman I want to be.

Finding Completion

After the birth of my daughter, the first thing people ask me is "So... are you done?"
My Hubby and I had both prayed to have at least one child of each gender. Now that we have been blessed with both....are we really done? Can we close this chapter in our lives and move on?
For 6 months (since Lilly was born) I've searched deep with in my soul and have gone back and forth on my answer.
I can't begin to describe the sense of completion I feel enjoying my daughter. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I think about us getting pedicures together, placing a flower in her hair for prom, standing behind her on her wedding day telling her how beautiful she looks, as I clasp her necklace on. I've ached for a daughter since I was married! We even decided on the name Lilly Bea a few months before the wedding....if you look on our invitations there are lily's, in every window at the altar where we said our vows...lily's....all through our wedding we had hints of lily's, and we were married for 7 years before we had her! She was meant to be, and a gift from God and I just feel so complete with her here.

Of course we know how much Austin is close to my heart! He is my heart! He was my first! He has more charm than Hubby and I and the whole world put together! After having a miscarriage from my first pregnancy, I cried every night. I felt I was cheated out of being a Mother. I ached and ached to be pregnant again. And when I found out I was pregant with Austin (3 months after the miscarriage), I knew it was in the Lord's plan for Austin to be in this world, because it wouldn't have been possible if I remained pregnant with the first....after everything we went through, Austin was meant to walk on this world. And what a joy he is to this world!  When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my neck, I know how much he loves his Mommy, or when he wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and perks his cute lips up to kiss me for saving him...I melt. When I see him chasing his Daddy around all day to be just like him...thats when I feel....complete.

This sense of completion didn't enter my mind until Lilly came to the world. Before her, I knew we were not a family of 3. It feels great to know that we can move forward and be able to look back on the memories.


However, I can't seal the book shut! I wish I could!  I can go as far to say that Justin and I don't feel the need to have another child. But we would like to live on God's perfect way, not His permissive way. No surgury's, or snipping...just the good old fashion control that worked before! We'll revisit the subject in a few years. For now, I'm happy, I'm so blessed.... I love my husband, my children, my job, my church, my family, my friends. Could this girl be any more blessed? God only knows;)