Leaping in Faith.

Throwing my hands up in the air, and giving my life completely ( and I mean COMPLETELY) to the Lord has been no easy task. Through this long journey of FINALLY getting into our new place I've been awakened to new things. As much as I thought my hands weren't gripped with white knuckles on to my life, in some ways they were.
Growing up I moved from place to place more times than one can imagine. As soon as we would feel settled something always uprooted us. I'm not sure if I was born this way, or if it was learned but I've come to find out I don't like moving much! I find comfort in knowing I will receive a steady paycheck, and come to my home the way I left it. I don't particularly "jump" into new opportunitys with out weighing all my options, and possibly waiting much to long leaving the iron ice cold;)
Through much prayer the the Lord would provide us with stable renters, on His perfect timing we found them. Leaving us with 30 days to find a place and move. On went our search for the perfect house that would fit all our needs for the future, we were quite sure the Lord would provide down to the last detail. I had narrowed our choices down to 3 about 2 weeks before our move was to start. At the edge of the bed my hubby and I made a pro and con list in hopes we could agree on one! We came to find that our home we knew the Lord would provide was not presented to us yet. I can't even describe how upset I was in that moment.   I could "settle", as Hubby put it, on any of those homes and been perfectly happy! But the Lord has not called us wives to make these decisions ourself. He sees us as one. So if our hearts were not aligned on this home, there was no way His hand was on any of our choices at that time. What comes next? We move in with family till we find it! 4 of us living with his sisters' other large family, hard... but manageable. Would the old me have even considered that? Not a chance. My hands were woven so tightly around my life.I literally lived running from my past. Me moving in by the grace of someone else, would mean parts of my past would surface. And you know what? After I prayed and was still, in that moment I realized, it was ok for me. Because I am more fearful of living off of His perfect way, than His permissive way. So I made the choice to bite the bullet, and let the man next to me really lead this family. It just so happens (and this is not for dramas sake) that 2 short minutes after we ended our conversation about trusting the Lord in where to go, a random Facebook friend posts their home with the exact description of our needs....and $200 under our planned budget. And guess what else? It was not available until 30 days after we move out! How obvious can this be? Had I not given this completely to the Lord, without a doubt we would've been in a less than perfect home, with a far higher payment. Do I doubt for a moment the Lord didn't have His Almighty hand on this? Not for a second.




We've been in our new home about 6 weeks now. We've already started building memories...

Sweet moment with my girl on the patio, teaching signs.

My little man so proud of those Easter eggs!

Took this under the trellis in our yard before church on Easter Sunday!

Lilly helping her Daddy in the yard:)



Not a day goes by the Hubby and I don't look at each other and exhale claiming, "We LOVE this house". We find new reasons why constantly. The girl 1 year ago I sadly admit, would've stamped her foot to her husband and demanded we made a choice on our own. Because, I knew I had gotten to my place in life by making my own decisions.....in a small way I was right. But now, I know the future holds God's plan for us. I make darn well sure that in each decision the Lord has His hand on it. It gives me so much peace. The more I make the choice to listen to the Holy Spirit, the better I hear it. It becomes so much more clear. And I'm reminded of the blessings because of my leap of faith. I am filled with gratitude every day by the home He's blessed for our family.

The Power of the Praying for my Family.

Some of you reading this may roll your eyes thinking this is just another stor. A story that in changing the perspective, would have nothing to do with "praying" and more to do with coincidince. Others may read the title of this post and think back on all of the prayers you invested in your family, how much have been answered, and possibly a few that may be lingering unanswered. I'm writing this because I truly believe in the power of prayer. I've seen things change rapidly that haven't moved in years. It's hard for me to believe I've gone through life with out knowing how powerfull prayer can be. Its even harder to think of the things I've struggled with, and that if they were covered in prayer may have had a different outcome.
Lets start with my husband. Justin has been truly blessed with his job. It's given him the ability to provide easily for our family, a positive Christian based company, no commute, and he gets off in the early afternoon abeling him to be with his family most of the day we're awake. However, most of the years a particular employee he works closely with has had an extremely negative effect on Justin. This person has basically harrassed Justin on every aspect of his life. Justin is strong but sometimes is weakened by his constant cristicism and negativity. It was a constant struggle to see my husband constantly being attacked and belittled. If we were in an argument it always ended in the realization this needed to change. We've been married 8 years and I honestly didn't see how this dark spot on Justin's bright life would ever disappear. I've tried everything for him, Everything I humanly could except pray. I've always looked at prayer as a positive thing. Most of my life prayers were written out for me, and as I'd chant them I would try to relate them to my life. It was a struggle for me to turn my mind around, and positivley pray for difficult issues in our life. After I joined a women's group on praying for our husbands, it forced me to bring difficult topics to light. Our marriage has transformed to a level I never could've imagined we could be at together. Not only did Justin's life at work change, but his involvement with everything in his life has changed. He's excelling in his relationships at work, he's more positive, more involved, and all together just happier. I never mentioned to him the specifics of my prayers, until after we realized things had changed. I can't help but feel guilty for not praying earlier. But it's given me amazing insight on what prayer can do. Small miracles in my life from your view, but it's moved mountains for us.

On to my children.....or more so Austin. Since he's 3 and well nbsp;Lilly's still a baby and the most she needs prayer for isn't quite as complex as toddlers! I'm positive I'm not the only Mother who in the midst of an epic toddler meltdown, looks at the family next to me and covets their compliantly polite children sitting ever so perfectly at the table across from me. Their food is thouroughly enjoyed simultaneously as they discuss politics with their 2 year old, while holding hands and waiting eachothers turn to speak at an even decibal. Before I had children I would watch Mothers in grocery stores with their children's perfectly parted hair, fresh pressed clothes, gazing into their blissfull Mother's eyes not even attempting to ask for the M&M's they're eyeing. I would watch these families and my heart would be giddy with excitement on the prospect I just knew that's how MY family would be. God makes those families because He knows this world needs popuation. I'm sure of that. From the day I found out I was pregnant my journey to parenthood was certainly not up to par with my visions from before!
We take Disneyland trips at least once a month since Austin was 14 months old. You would think at this point we would remember that it's going to be at times exhausting, and not anything near our pre- real life of children expections. We go back because the things we remember are the short beautiful moments when your child runs up to Mickey in a bear hug and has a smile that lights brighter than the Disneyland fireworks. This recent trip to Disney went like clockwork. Right around 2 o'clock (nap time) the gut wrenching screaming starts. My belief is it's a mix of overstimulation, lack of sleep, lack of routine, and way WAY too many exciting things the child is not allowed to touch.  Lets not forget the re-teaching of waiting your turn in line over and over and OVER again. This time when I felt my blood start to boil and things start to fall apart. I silently prayed long and hard for every member in my family, it normally sounds a bit like this. "Lord change us. Grant Austin, Justin, Lilly and me patience. Help Austin to be COMPLIANT, help Lilly sleep easily, give my husband energy and the strength to discipline and lead in the way you want him to. Give me the answers to how I should handle my children in the way YOU know they will respond to. Help us to make a memory here." I utter this over and over and over again. Before I knew it, Justin turned to me in amazement that our son is patiently waiting in line. My son waiting his turn is with out a doubt a miracle for us. Austin sat and ate dinner with almost no complaint, miracle number 2. Both of my children fell asleep peacefully in their strollers, as Justin and I shared an ice cream Sunday. We were stopped 4 times with people giving us looks of "aww such beautiful children". For the 2nd half of our visit, WE were the blissfull family. God gave us a gift that night.  Justin full heartedly believes this was because of prayer. There is just no other answer as to how our son completely changed before our eyes this day. We left feeling a sense of closeness with each family member we did not walk in with.
God is moving in my family. His hands are on each person. And the minute we open our hearts and ears to Him, He's able to form a bond that no one can break. If anyone is struggling with their faith, you just have to give Him the opportunity to move. He is the only One who can change hearts. You have to be willing to let Him.
"When we pray, we are humbling ourselves before God and saying, 'I need Your presence and Your power, Lord. I can't do this with out you.' When we don't pray, it's like saying we have no need of anything outside of ourselves."-Stormie Omartian

On being the Serving Wife

Let me start by stating this post is made for Lilly. When she comes to me saying "OK Mom, I've been married for over 2 years...while I love my husband he's just not....rolling out the red carpet like he used to". This post is for her, and any one reading this who is at this point in their marriage.

Growing up my whole life in a seriously dysfunctional Christian home, I was always told, "God first, spouse second, children third, then others, and lastly yourself. While I disagree the fact that if I don't put my personal relationship with God above all else (the latter people will falter), it always stuck in my brain that it's most important to put your husband above all others. By doing this in a large way, it's benefiting your children more than you can see on the surface.
What does it really mean to put your husband first? Does anyone know how painstakingly difficult it is? I do!! For my personality the biggest thing is for me to just SHUT UP. He will most definately appreciate a woman whom is slow to speak. If you can find that woman, I'd love to meet her. The less I give unwanted advice, and the more I search within myself praying for wisdom....the smoother my home life runs, and the more love I feel towards my man. Truth be told if you say something positive about your husband 10 times a day, you'll eventually believe it. Fake it till you make it...that's the context in that saying right? ;)   Ask yourself why you married him...it's certainly not because you don't like him. Treat him as though he is the "Spiritual leader" your constantly praying for. EVEN IF HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT. (Minus drug, and alcohol addiction, that's another story)

In our home I might be what you would consider an "over achiever". I must fight against the urge to add one more thing to my plate, or try to fix one more human being. For Justin, when I'm exhausted he goes without, how fair is that? What am I showing him by piling my plate? I'm showing him that birthday parties, volunteer ministry, micro managing the house, etc. is more important than him. (No, most men would never search that far within to come up with that, but that's what our insight is for). The other night we were discussing our daily life and how happy we have been feeling towards each other...I'm not gonna lie....I've been pretty good to him. He caught me off guard when he said, "yeah it's been pretty good, except for Tuesday nights. Your always so busy putting laundry away and I'm left with the kids by myself.....Hmmmm........ Do you know how bad I fought waving my arm in the air like a psycho woman, stating all of the things I do, and how I'm doing the best I can at making sure his underwear stay clean, blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure my tongue drew blood from biting it so hard. Later in my quiet time, I thought to myself...... it's just one request, and it really isn't that difficult. Instead of having a "laundry day", I thought to throw a load in once every couple days (MIL I don't want to hear even  a snicker from you if your reading this!) I apologize for not coming up with a more profound story than one that has to do with laundry...but for me, it showed it's soul. It is my honest to God goal to make my husband happy. If you have a man that gets up every morning, provides for you, comes home and does not run-around on you, consider yourself blessed with a keeper. There's always something to complain about, that's what we woman do.

   
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”-Bob Marley

After 9 years together I have no place in my heart for judgement towards him, no woman has a place for that.
You may ask, "what does it mean to serve him"? A man interviewed in "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" kept it pretty clear.

"Men are simple, give me some good lovin, and make me a sandwich"

While there is more to being a wife than lovin and food, men down to the core truly are so easy to please! Put his needs before your own, do you honestly think he won't do the same? You know his heart, you know what pleases him....DO IT. You'll thank yourself later, trust me.

On Forming the Generous Heart

Because of my past, I, as a young girl was not blessed with the gift of generosity. I watched my Mother give the shirt of her back to a person in need, even if it meant my brother and I were left with nothing. In theory what she was doing was a great example. In reality, I was left feeling I was on the back burner, and it hardened my heart to giving. For about a year now, God has transformed my heart.
I recognized I had a hardness to generosity when God gave me my husband. With out a doubt the Lord formed him for me, because where I am lacking...he has abundance! Justin is one of the most generous people I know. And it was him that encouraged me to realize what I have is not because of me, but because the Lord has blessed me my entire life.
My Pastor has once said, that the people who are the richest-give the most. The people who hold on to what they have and give the least-are the most financially burdened.  Will the Lord give me more if I give because it's my duty? No. Your heart must be right. This of course, is not true for everyone, but it was something that stuck with me.
Instead of going through my finances and focus on praying, "Lord provide for us." The Lord did an amazing number to my heart. My prayer now is,"Lord give me people that need from me, so that I can give to them what YOU want."  In giving Him my life, I gave Him my finances, heart, decisions, everything. And because of this, He has blessed us tremendously. No longer do I feel the heavy burden of financial mistakes, or not having enough. He has performed miraculously for us! In doing this I have seen things I never would have if not for this!
In saying this I do not believe in giving blindly! Work out your finances and be smart about it! But, I'd much rather sacrifice my wants, and give from the top, then the scraps we have left.
I leave church every Sunday taking so much from the message, in my heart I feel happy to support my church with my finances...my heart is finally in the right place for giving. If your reading this and feel a heaviness on your heart towards this, ask the Lord to do a work on your heart, and to show what He wants for you.

"When I grasp that I'm a steward, not an owner it totally changes my perspective. Suddenly, I'm not asking 'How much shall I, out of the goodness of my heart, give to you God?' Rather, I'm asking, 'Since all of my money is really yours Lord, how would you like me to invest in YOUR money today?"~Randy Alcorn

Becoming a Woman of Peace

If you've ever spent more than 5 minutes with me during the day, never would the word "Peace" cross your mind. Most of the time you'll see me warming a bottle with a baby on my hip, while hollering across the room for my toddler to stop ______( just come up with anything to fill in the blank right there and I'm sure it wouldn't surprise me!), with a phone attached to my ear, baby food smeared on my shirt, sweat beads on my forehead, all in the middle of using my imagination for the healthiest dinner possible. You'd never believe by watching me that finally, finally....peace dwells with in my heart.

When I look back at my blogs just 3 months ago, I wonder how in the world did I function? Of course I was what I thought at the time "happy"....I guess. When you pass by a homeless person with their entire world strapped to their shoulders, would you stroll by and think "Yup, he's surely filled with joy." I can't stress how important it is for anyone raising kids, not raising kids, a wife, a sister, a student, a grandmother....you get the picture ANYONE, to deal with every burden they've been carrying with them (you'd be surprised at what you've been carrying and not knowing it). The weight taints your life, it makes it literally impossible to be the person God made you to be. In 3 months I dealt with the betrayal of my parents, which lead me to live a life pure of shame, self neglect, feeling unworthy, bitterness, anger, and always needing every one's approval. Now, when an obstacle comes my way such as speeding tickets, running out of gas, an angry neighbor, temper tantrums (not only from my toddler)...... I can deal with them the way God intends us to deal with life's obstacles, running our frail little behinds to HIM. Never did I do that. I've been a Christian my entire life, I always knew God was there and prayed, but I basically felt alone in the way of making day to day decisions. Example- I'd been contemplating how my children were going to be educated, public school, private school, charter school, home school. The normal me would have decided on whatever felt good that minute....but I made the conscious choice to say "Lord show me what YOU want for Austin and Lilly's education". I felt the Lord opened my heart to home school, when my husband was unsure, the normal me would've forced the issue and "put my foot down", instead I came to God again "Lord, align Justin's and my heart, show us both how you want our children to be educated". Literally, at the same time, in 2 separate locations, the Lord performed His miracle in us....he showed us both the very same minute He wanted us to home school our children (of course I had wished the answer was the easy way, but by now we all know that NEVER happens!) Now when/if I ever revisit the topic of schooling my children I never have to think whether or not I made the right choice, the Lord made the choice, we followed. Period. Would the Lord steer me or my children wrong? No way man. How do I know it was the Lord and not me deciding? I prayed, and on more than 3 occasions the Lord showed BOTH Justin and I His answer.

 Do you see how I wondered how in the world I got here by wandering through life? I'll never go back to the old way, there is so much peace in handing the steering wheel of my life to Jesus. My prayer is that everyone can feel this peace in their hearts. Don't carry your crap with you! Deal with it! Let it go! Give it to God...just get it off! He's waiting to do His work in you! Your not alone, not in any part of your life! The Lord is and always has come through for me, now I'm openly letting Him.

The freeing middle word of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness requires one to give, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. To give up the hurt you want so badly to hang on to. To give up the right to make the other person pay for what he or she did. To give up a bad attitude about the person who hurt you. To give up bad-mouthing the person who crushed you. Give, give, give-forgive!"-Marilyn Hontz

Only one person in my life can I think of when reading this. My Mother. Because of her complete selfishness my whole life....it has caused bitterness to dwell in my heart. Why did I not recognize this? The other day my family and I were cheerfully pulling up to the store....my husband and I were in conversation about how much food our kids go through and how we're happy we can provide them with healthy meals. Somewhere a long that conversation a pain full memory popped in my head. "My Mom never went without a pack of cigarettes a day in my life, however we couldn't afford school clothes for us, or food". My mood shifted...through out the store sheer bitterness shadowed my spirit. I told my Mother-in-law the other day that it seems now that I'm the happiest in life...I'm just now dealing with the past that I had pushed so far away.
I always knew I needed to forgive my Mother, I just didn't know how....didn't even know where to start....every time I spoke with her she pushed blame and shame on me, when all I wanted was an apology or some type of accountability! I've realized I won't get that from her. But one thing I do know is that I can break the cycle of bitterness and shame, so my children don't have to pay for what was done to me.
I have broken the cycle by wanting to do ANYTHING for my children, and for that I don't need to carry this with me.....

I will never leave my child in the care of someone else's home while the wife is away leaving my child vulnerable to a man in the household.
I will never leave them sitting outside of school/church/dance class/voice lessons/ or any place for that matter) for hours on end because I was so wrapped up in my own life I forgot where they were.
I won't attempt suicide a week before my child's birthday, and blame it on the rebellious teenager.
I won't tell my child day in and day out that this is the last time I will see them, because I'm about to die of _____(enter any disease you can think of/make up), and tell them they can't burden me with unnecessary needs.
I will be at their graduation, sporting events, recitals, plays, not only will I attend them but I will encourage and be involved with what ever they choose to be involved in.
I will take pride in my daughter and son on their wedding day by being by their side and being involved with the wedding.
I will be their as support financially and emotionally so they never have to feel alone in this world. They will have parents to fall back on.

 Did my Mother intentionally want to cause me harm? Never. She actually was used and abused for most of her younger life. She's also mentally ill (like in the literal chemical imbalance sense in case you haven't noticed). I will forgive her for all of these things. She didn't know better. When I think of her, instead of feeling bitter, I will feel compassion towards her. That doesn't mean I can be in contact with her, but perhaps a letter or two a couple of times a year can't hurt. Just because we forgive, does not mean we can continue to put ourselves or our children, vulnerable to more hurt. Perhaps I could eventually get to that point, but that is what will be in her hands.

I feel so free! One by one the heavy burdens of the past are off my shoulders and I can run faster with head high and eyes wide open!!

 If I could close with one thing to put on your heart. Look deep inside, if someone has done or not done something to you, and you are carrying bitterness or shame...recognize it........and forgive, give it up....give the gift of forgiveness, even if they don't deserve it. It's always better to give than to receive. You and the people around you will benefit from it.

The Lifting of Shame

"Shame is a prevailing sense of worthlessness that leads to the false belief I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless"- Robert S. McGee

Just when I think I've got things under control....I realize....SURPISE!! I don't.

About a week ago we got a phone call from a woman in town that wanted to breed our male dog Bozley. It was extra money that we were thankfull to come across, and made plans to get the 2 dogs together. We had been struggling with fleas ever since a friend of mine unknowingly gave us a dog bed, which infested us with the dirty rotten bugs that never go away! A month before I gutted my entire house and basically(thought I had) shut the door to that challenge. The night before we were supposed to bring Bozley over, I looked down at his hair only to find "Damn" a disgusting little parasite all fat and happy feeding off of my dog. After a long day at work I scrubbed my little dog and picked every flea off his poor body, telling my husband "NO way could I give fleas to this kind lady, we know how rough it's been". Double and triple checking Boz before we got to her house, we dropped him off, signed the papers, and agreed to be in touch after the next week.
Can you guess where I'm going with this?? Yes, you guessed it....
2 days later we get a phone call, "Please pick your dog up immediately, he's covered with fleas". I proceeded to apologize over and over, telling her the lengths I went to to insure that he was clean when we dropped him off.....only for her to interrupt my apologies and rudely scold me saying, "yeah well I really don't know what to tell you except, you really should have told me you were struggling with this, so I could have made the choice on whether we would let him come over or not". Was she right? Yes. Did I intend to give her dog fleas? No. Would it have been nice for her to have understood my intentions, given me a little grace, and accepted my offer to pay for Frontline so the problem could be solved? Well I've realized I can't control how others react to situations...I can only control my reaction. For the next week I DWELLED IN SHAME. My heart sank everytime  I thought of the situation. I felt guilty. Foolish. Why did I make that mistake? She probably thinks I'm a liar. She's best friends with the Pastor's wife....great, now my entire church will be whispering about my gross neglected dog......why didn't you think Alisha? Maybe you should get rid of your dog...your too focused on your children to worry about your dog...other people have it together...you don't.
There are healthy levels of shame....a normal person would say "wow, bummer. Ok I did what I could, my intentions were good, I can't control if she's upset with me". But my shame dug to the core....a completely unhealthy level. I beat myself up about it day in and day out. This is not normal people. Growing up in the life I've led, I've developed a need to please everybody. If I was wrong or made someone dissapointed in me, it beat me to the core. I've lived my life wanting everyone's approval. Why? I'll find out eventually. But I can't make the mistake of believing I'm unworthy. Just reading these words "you are a beloved child of Jesus"...before I could not accept. Now I realize how rediculous that is! Have you ever met a Christ-filled person on this planet that has NEVER made a mistake? My mistakes are not ME.
I AM a beloved daughter of Christ. (Period)
I AM  worthy of His love. (Period)
How I was treated in the past will never define me. The mistakes I've made in the past will not rest on my shoulders.
Luckily I have a beautiful friend that basically has God on speed dial. She recognized the deep seed of shame that rested on my heart. In the middle of the night, as I lay awake praying the heavy burdens away, the Holy Spirit awakened her, and told her to give me this book:

If any of you struggle with the enemy of shame...Recognize it, and read this. It's helped me more than I even can describe.

On a side note. It's a tremendous blessing to have friends that walk with God...sometimes He uses them to speak to you!

No longer will I let the enemy have this control over my heart. No one could have fixed this in me...I couldn't even fix it. I now feel pure, and loved, and yes...we all make mistakes or falter....we're HUMAN!!! I can walk to the throne knowing God is grace filled, and I am loved.