If you have ever read my blog before, you would know that it's been quite a few months since my last post. I use this blog to document parts of my life that were struggles of mine that I have overcome. Naively, I assumed I wouldn't be posting much about my past because I felt I had moved forward. Don't get me wrong, I am a different person than the girl who sat down to pour out her heart 2 years ago, but the Lord shows me my heart and I find myself sitting down here again to discuss my always changing, forever bettering soul.
A few weeks ago I took a trip to visit my Dad and relatives out of state. I've never really been close to my Dad, he's had a life long battle with alcoholism and hasn't lived near me since I was 4. Annual visits gave me my Fatherly fill growing up. I've never known him to be sober longer than a day, until his recent prison sentence leaving him on a strict parole urine check for a few months. He joined AA meetings, called me on the phone, gave me messages almost every morning and night,
"Good morning sunshine"
"Sweet dreams Sprite"
For the first time he was making progress and building a stable relationship with me. Abandonment from both my parents in my life has caused me to be weary of someone who claims to have "changed", it takes a painfully long time for me to trust. Normally I would say I was angry at myself for believing in him, but I am not. The Lord is healing me and I am thankful. I won't go into detail about the trip, but in a nutshell not much has changed. And the veil was pulled from my eyes to many more issues he has in his life. I am left in complete disappointment with the man who conceived me. I came home feeling saddened and ashamed, I now have no relationship with either of my parents.
You have called me Lord to honor my Mother and Father. How?
They continue to let me down. Both of them are not of sound mind because of their addictions, how do you have a relationship with that? I beg you to let me be free of this burden. I just want to be free.
I'm going to try to refrain from the dramatics, but I have been attacked daily since I returned home. Mostly nightmares. One consisted of me hating my own sweet child. I woke up sweating, sobbing, and screaming. I was so worked up I immediately opened my Bible and asked the Lord to bring me to a book of His choice, and to purify my heart. He brought me to Matthew, I read it faithfully not knowing why, but I calmed down and felt my eyes drift back to a sweet sleep.
This all became clear when I had an argument with my Hubby's side of the family, and I needed to take control of this dark place in my heart. I was having a conversation with my best friend when I finally blurted out, "I just don't know how to be in a family! It can't be everyone, the problem must be me." Her response put everything into clarity. "You are a peacemaker, and the Lord says "Blessed are the peacemakers". I think because of your recent heartache with your Dad it's causing you to have too high of expectations with your family. Continue to be a peacemaker, and continue to receive His blessings". My friend speaks Jesus, and I am so lucky. I instantly felt the Lord's redeeming love wash over my soul.
I am not the girl with no parents.
I have the Ultimate Father's love all around me.
He was speaking to me through her in that moment you see, because if you finish the verse in Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they are the children of God". I am His child, and so are you. All of my life He has protected me. I am so thankful to feel His love upon me even though I'm not in Heaven yet. Until then my heart is set upon Him.