The freeing middle word of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness requires one to give, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. To give up the hurt you want so badly to hang on to. To give up the right to make the other person pay for what he or she did. To give up a bad attitude about the person who hurt you. To give up bad-mouthing the person who crushed you. Give, give, give-forgive!"-Marilyn Hontz

Only one person in my life can I think of when reading this. My Mother. Because of her complete selfishness my whole life....it has caused bitterness to dwell in my heart. Why did I not recognize this? The other day my family and I were cheerfully pulling up to the store....my husband and I were in conversation about how much food our kids go through and how we're happy we can provide them with healthy meals. Somewhere a long that conversation a pain full memory popped in my head. "My Mom never went without a pack of cigarettes a day in my life, however we couldn't afford school clothes for us, or food". My mood shifted...through out the store sheer bitterness shadowed my spirit. I told my Mother-in-law the other day that it seems now that I'm the happiest in life...I'm just now dealing with the past that I had pushed so far away.
I always knew I needed to forgive my Mother, I just didn't know how....didn't even know where to start....every time I spoke with her she pushed blame and shame on me, when all I wanted was an apology or some type of accountability! I've realized I won't get that from her. But one thing I do know is that I can break the cycle of bitterness and shame, so my children don't have to pay for what was done to me.
I have broken the cycle by wanting to do ANYTHING for my children, and for that I don't need to carry this with me.....

I will never leave my child in the care of someone else's home while the wife is away leaving my child vulnerable to a man in the household.
I will never leave them sitting outside of school/church/dance class/voice lessons/ or any place for that matter) for hours on end because I was so wrapped up in my own life I forgot where they were.
I won't attempt suicide a week before my child's birthday, and blame it on the rebellious teenager.
I won't tell my child day in and day out that this is the last time I will see them, because I'm about to die of _____(enter any disease you can think of/make up), and tell them they can't burden me with unnecessary needs.
I will be at their graduation, sporting events, recitals, plays, not only will I attend them but I will encourage and be involved with what ever they choose to be involved in.
I will take pride in my daughter and son on their wedding day by being by their side and being involved with the wedding.
I will be their as support financially and emotionally so they never have to feel alone in this world. They will have parents to fall back on.

 Did my Mother intentionally want to cause me harm? Never. She actually was used and abused for most of her younger life. She's also mentally ill (like in the literal chemical imbalance sense in case you haven't noticed). I will forgive her for all of these things. She didn't know better. When I think of her, instead of feeling bitter, I will feel compassion towards her. That doesn't mean I can be in contact with her, but perhaps a letter or two a couple of times a year can't hurt. Just because we forgive, does not mean we can continue to put ourselves or our children, vulnerable to more hurt. Perhaps I could eventually get to that point, but that is what will be in her hands.

I feel so free! One by one the heavy burdens of the past are off my shoulders and I can run faster with head high and eyes wide open!!

 If I could close with one thing to put on your heart. Look deep inside, if someone has done or not done something to you, and you are carrying bitterness or shame...recognize it........and forgive, give it up....give the gift of forgiveness, even if they don't deserve it. It's always better to give than to receive. You and the people around you will benefit from it.