The freeing middle word of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness requires one to give, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. To give up the hurt you want so badly to hang on to. To give up the right to make the other person pay for what he or she did. To give up a bad attitude about the person who hurt you. To give up bad-mouthing the person who crushed you. Give, give, give-forgive!"-Marilyn Hontz

Only one person in my life can I think of when reading this. My Mother. Because of her complete selfishness my whole life....it has caused bitterness to dwell in my heart. Why did I not recognize this? The other day my family and I were cheerfully pulling up to the store....my husband and I were in conversation about how much food our kids go through and how we're happy we can provide them with healthy meals. Somewhere a long that conversation a pain full memory popped in my head. "My Mom never went without a pack of cigarettes a day in my life, however we couldn't afford school clothes for us, or food". My mood shifted...through out the store sheer bitterness shadowed my spirit. I told my Mother-in-law the other day that it seems now that I'm the happiest in life...I'm just now dealing with the past that I had pushed so far away.
I always knew I needed to forgive my Mother, I just didn't know how....didn't even know where to start....every time I spoke with her she pushed blame and shame on me, when all I wanted was an apology or some type of accountability! I've realized I won't get that from her. But one thing I do know is that I can break the cycle of bitterness and shame, so my children don't have to pay for what was done to me.
I have broken the cycle by wanting to do ANYTHING for my children, and for that I don't need to carry this with me.....

I will never leave my child in the care of someone else's home while the wife is away leaving my child vulnerable to a man in the household.
I will never leave them sitting outside of school/church/dance class/voice lessons/ or any place for that matter) for hours on end because I was so wrapped up in my own life I forgot where they were.
I won't attempt suicide a week before my child's birthday, and blame it on the rebellious teenager.
I won't tell my child day in and day out that this is the last time I will see them, because I'm about to die of _____(enter any disease you can think of/make up), and tell them they can't burden me with unnecessary needs.
I will be at their graduation, sporting events, recitals, plays, not only will I attend them but I will encourage and be involved with what ever they choose to be involved in.
I will take pride in my daughter and son on their wedding day by being by their side and being involved with the wedding.
I will be their as support financially and emotionally so they never have to feel alone in this world. They will have parents to fall back on.

 Did my Mother intentionally want to cause me harm? Never. She actually was used and abused for most of her younger life. She's also mentally ill (like in the literal chemical imbalance sense in case you haven't noticed). I will forgive her for all of these things. She didn't know better. When I think of her, instead of feeling bitter, I will feel compassion towards her. That doesn't mean I can be in contact with her, but perhaps a letter or two a couple of times a year can't hurt. Just because we forgive, does not mean we can continue to put ourselves or our children, vulnerable to more hurt. Perhaps I could eventually get to that point, but that is what will be in her hands.

I feel so free! One by one the heavy burdens of the past are off my shoulders and I can run faster with head high and eyes wide open!!

 If I could close with one thing to put on your heart. Look deep inside, if someone has done or not done something to you, and you are carrying bitterness or shame...recognize it........and forgive, give it up....give the gift of forgiveness, even if they don't deserve it. It's always better to give than to receive. You and the people around you will benefit from it.

The Lifting of Shame

"Shame is a prevailing sense of worthlessness that leads to the false belief I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless"- Robert S. McGee

Just when I think I've got things under control....I realize....SURPISE!! I don't.

About a week ago we got a phone call from a woman in town that wanted to breed our male dog Bozley. It was extra money that we were thankfull to come across, and made plans to get the 2 dogs together. We had been struggling with fleas ever since a friend of mine unknowingly gave us a dog bed, which infested us with the dirty rotten bugs that never go away! A month before I gutted my entire house and basically(thought I had) shut the door to that challenge. The night before we were supposed to bring Bozley over, I looked down at his hair only to find "Damn" a disgusting little parasite all fat and happy feeding off of my dog. After a long day at work I scrubbed my little dog and picked every flea off his poor body, telling my husband "NO way could I give fleas to this kind lady, we know how rough it's been". Double and triple checking Boz before we got to her house, we dropped him off, signed the papers, and agreed to be in touch after the next week.
Can you guess where I'm going with this?? Yes, you guessed it....
2 days later we get a phone call, "Please pick your dog up immediately, he's covered with fleas". I proceeded to apologize over and over, telling her the lengths I went to to insure that he was clean when we dropped him off.....only for her to interrupt my apologies and rudely scold me saying, "yeah well I really don't know what to tell you except, you really should have told me you were struggling with this, so I could have made the choice on whether we would let him come over or not". Was she right? Yes. Did I intend to give her dog fleas? No. Would it have been nice for her to have understood my intentions, given me a little grace, and accepted my offer to pay for Frontline so the problem could be solved? Well I've realized I can't control how others react to situations...I can only control my reaction. For the next week I DWELLED IN SHAME. My heart sank everytime  I thought of the situation. I felt guilty. Foolish. Why did I make that mistake? She probably thinks I'm a liar. She's best friends with the Pastor's wife....great, now my entire church will be whispering about my gross neglected dog......why didn't you think Alisha? Maybe you should get rid of your dog...your too focused on your children to worry about your dog...other people have it together...you don't.
There are healthy levels of shame....a normal person would say "wow, bummer. Ok I did what I could, my intentions were good, I can't control if she's upset with me". But my shame dug to the core....a completely unhealthy level. I beat myself up about it day in and day out. This is not normal people. Growing up in the life I've led, I've developed a need to please everybody. If I was wrong or made someone dissapointed in me, it beat me to the core. I've lived my life wanting everyone's approval. Why? I'll find out eventually. But I can't make the mistake of believing I'm unworthy. Just reading these words "you are a beloved child of Jesus"...before I could not accept. Now I realize how rediculous that is! Have you ever met a Christ-filled person on this planet that has NEVER made a mistake? My mistakes are not ME.
I AM a beloved daughter of Christ. (Period)
I AM  worthy of His love. (Period)
How I was treated in the past will never define me. The mistakes I've made in the past will not rest on my shoulders.
Luckily I have a beautiful friend that basically has God on speed dial. She recognized the deep seed of shame that rested on my heart. In the middle of the night, as I lay awake praying the heavy burdens away, the Holy Spirit awakened her, and told her to give me this book:

If any of you struggle with the enemy of shame...Recognize it, and read this. It's helped me more than I even can describe.

On a side note. It's a tremendous blessing to have friends that walk with God...sometimes He uses them to speak to you!

No longer will I let the enemy have this control over my heart. No one could have fixed this in me...I couldn't even fix it. I now feel pure, and loved, and yes...we all make mistakes or falter....we're HUMAN!!! I can walk to the throne knowing God is grace filled, and I am loved.

Call on Him.

6am Friday morning: Alarm goes off, start to get ready for work today. Got to get myself showered and pretty before the kids wake up, so I won't be late for work.

730am: Kids awake. Breakfast fed. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the t.v, so they can be entertained while I finish getting their lunches together.

740am: I must remember to send my cousin her care package (she's in her first trimester of pregnancy) so I have to dig in the garage for my beloved "What to Expect When Your Expecting"/Pregnancy bible. I put Lilly in her bouncer, she's just learning to crawl so I know she'll be safe in their for a minute or two while I dig out the book.

742am: With the book in hand I turn towards the door to walk back in the house from my garage.

.....Slam.......

My body slams into the door.....it's locked.

What the......

Oh Dear God.

Austin finally did it....he locked me out of my own damn house.

Knock. Knock. "Austin open this door"

I hear Austin and Lilly laughing at Mickey in the living room.

Damn Mickey, he's so distracting with that mouse voice.

BANG BANG

"Auuustiiiiin, open this door NOW"

I hear Austin walk up to the door and whine a little.

I proceed to give instructions on how to open the lock...I start to get hopeful since he's been following directions really well these days....

to no avail

I hear my son give up, and walk up the stairs to his room.

"Shoot" (I didn't really use that nice of a word)

I look around. All I see around me is the broken sliding garage door we choose not to get fixed because, "It's 200 bucks to repair, and we don't really need it to work anyway".

Why do I have to be such a cheapskate?

Why couldn't I be more like my husband and take my phone with me wherever I go?

I look at my watch:
8:00am- I'm not supposed to be at my Mother-in-law's till 9:30 to drop off the kids.
Who will ever know that I'm stuck in here? My client at work I'm supposed to meet at 10:30.
Will I really be stuck in here for 3 more hours?
Oh God.
What about Lilly.
 She's in her bouncer....so she's somewhat safe. What if Austin gives Lilly something and she chokes on it, and I'm in here? Who the heck is going to save her? Or what if Austin falls or chokes?
Dear God I need to get out of here.
I start to viciously bang on the door, crying out to Austin to open the door NOW!!!!
I lean against the door and start to sob.
The garage is starting to get really hot, and I long for my husband to be near me.
I get up and try to open the garage door. My husband did some things to it since it's been broken. I figured out how to unlock it so I could lift it up.
The darn thing weighs at least 200 lbs. You see, it's broken because the track is broken. That means, not only do I have to lift it all the way up, I have to re bend 3 inch metal perfectly straight so the track will glide.
Holy....I really wish I knew how to fix things at this moment in time.
I see a black widow crawl across the garage door. For a split second I started to jump back. Instead of regressing like the girl me normally would, I balled up my fist and punched that (unfortunate) spider as hard as I could...I felt it's body crunch against my knuckles.
The Mama Bear in me has emerged.
I squat down like a sumo wrestler and use all of my weight and force to lift that garage door up. I feel my legs shake, my fingers pinch against the metal, my shoulders tremble from my muscles stretching, a drop of sweat drips down my forehead as I clench my jaw....the door moves up about 4 inches from the ground.

Well Shit.

8:55am:

I pull myself together and try again. And again. I'm not giving up. Before the next time I try, I start to pray:

"Lord, all things are possible through you. I try not to ask for much. My children need me right now. Please, please....get me to them"

"Click"
Austin un locks the door.
Wow...."Ok thank you Lord!"
I learned a lot about myself this morning. I obviously would do anything to not have to ask for help. I could've banged on the garage instead of the house asking for neighbore's help. I have too much pride for that. Why didn't I pray from the very beginning? Why don't I talk to God more? I know this... why didnt' I ask for help from the start? Well I know why. But not anymore. My kids needed me today. For once instead of them learning from me, I've learned from them. Talk to God in the mundane, talk to Him when your sad, happy, thankful, cheerful, anxious....talk to Him when your at your wits end. He's waiting, He wants to help us. Ask Him to.

Guiding the Will

Being a parent for me has been a long journey. At first, I wanted to give anything and everything to my son. Even before I thought he would want it I would give it to him. I laugh when I think of a circumstance at my Mother-in-law's house....
There was a new jumper toy for babies she asked me to see if he liked, she turned around for a second, turned back, and said "well are you going to put him in it?" I replied "I did, he made a face, so I took him out, he doesn't like it".  She looked at me and rolled her eyes like I was crazy....I was.
Another circumstance showing I had no control, was when we decided to take a vacation to Oregon to visit my family. More exhausting than a relaxing vacation, it almost wasn't even worth it....he was into everything!
We entered in my Aunt's house. The minute I walked in, I just wanted to die. In every place you looked there was a tiny porcelin figurine...all at ground level for my 1 year olds curious fingers. She simply stated "OH don't worry there isn't anything he can break that isn't replaceable"....yeah right. It wasn't 30 minutes into the visit when he found 2 precious moments figures, one in each hand, before I could even open my mouth he smashed them both 2 sharp times, causing there heads rolling on the floor at his feet. I was mortified. On the way home the only thing I felt was shame. I felt the only place for my son and I was in our home (where is was babyproofed). We couldn't go anywhere (the world is not babyproofed). Everywhere there was some type of meltdown, something breaking, my husband and I arguing over how to resolve the conflict....we were a mess and it was our fault.
Perhaps giving your child everything their soul desires isn't the right thing? Bingo! In my defense, I didn't know better. In Austin's defense, he was simply being guided by the blind!
It wasn't until Lilly was born that I absolutely needed to gain control over my son. My hands were tied and I just couldn't follow him around everywhere. I had no idea that a firm hand could be so beneficial towards him.

Most of you know that basically all I do is read parenting books. Most of them say "Control their will now, or you never will". What gift was I giving him by letting him make the rules? How was that loving him? It's not. It is our responsibility to show them right from wrong. It is our responsibility to make sure your husbands come home to a house at rest. We must guide them! Letting them give in to the desires of the flesh is setting yourself up for a confused and angry teenager.
A huge fear of mine used to be that my children would grow up and hate me. Or worse, hate God.
In my current book it states in BOLD;
"FROM BIRTH, PARENTS MUST ASSUME CONTROL AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE MORAL DEVELOPMENT OF THEIR CHILDREN"
So lets get this straight, if the parents gain control...eventually when the parents aren't there who will guide them? God. It's hand in hand.
Does this mean we should destroy all of their natural drives? No. It isn't our job to be policeman. But we must teach them self control. Most of what you teach them before the age of 3, will stay with them forever. Don't take this responsibility lightly. And this also doesn't mean they will never test their boundaries, or one day eventually falter. One thing I know for sure is that when my children grow up, they will know right from wrong, they will know accountability, and self control. If they falter, I will know I did the best I possibly could to guide them. I love them that much.
For all Mommies out there I recommend these 2 books:

Please remember where the heart of the matter is. In no way do I think my children will know I love them by showing them discipline. It's more about training them the right way, so punishment will be dramatically less. How awesome is that?

 Training them BEFORE they faltar = less punishment!!

This past week I've needed to line up boundaries in my home. My home is a house at peace, and Austin is a calmer, much happier little boy, who I now can enjoy bonding moments and cuddles, because he knows he doesn't have to think of anything else but just being a kid. Do you think a screaming toddler in a store is happy? No. Are you? No! Was I happy that I was holed up in my house for 2 years and couldn't take him anywhere? Why did I even want more children if that was the case? All of these things I'm learning. My children are such a blessing to my life. They bring me joy and honor. And I LOVE being their Mommy.