Blessed are the Peacemakers...

If you have ever read my blog before, you would know that it's been quite a few months since my last post. I use this blog to document parts of my life that were struggles of mine that I have overcome. Naively, I assumed I wouldn't be posting much about my past because I felt I had moved forward. Don't get me wrong, I am a different person than the girl who sat down to pour out her heart 2 years ago, but the Lord shows me my heart and I find myself sitting down here again to discuss my always changing, forever bettering soul.

A few weeks ago I took a trip to visit my Dad and relatives out of state. I've never really been close to my Dad, he's had a life long battle with alcoholism and hasn't lived near me since I was 4. Annual visits gave me my Fatherly fill growing up. I've never known him to be sober longer than a day, until his recent prison sentence leaving him on a strict parole urine check for a few months. He joined AA meetings, called me on the phone, gave me messages almost every morning and night,

"Good morning sunshine"

 and

"Sweet dreams Sprite"
.
For the first time he was making progress and building a stable relationship with me. Abandonment from both my parents in my life has caused me to be weary of someone who claims to have "changed", it takes a painfully long time for me to trust. Normally I would say I was angry at myself for believing in him, but I am not. The Lord is healing me and I am thankful. I won't go into detail about the trip, but in a nutshell not much has changed. And the veil was pulled from my eyes to many more issues he has in his life. I am left in complete disappointment with the man who conceived me. I came home feeling saddened and ashamed, I now have no relationship with either of my parents.

You have called me Lord to honor my Mother and Father. How?
They continue to let me down. Both of them are not of sound mind because of their addictions, how do you have a relationship with that? I beg you to let me be free of this burden. I just want to be free.

I'm going to try to refrain from the dramatics, but I have been attacked daily since I returned home. Mostly nightmares. One consisted of me hating my own sweet child. I woke up sweating, sobbing, and screaming. I was so worked up I immediately opened my Bible and asked the Lord to bring me to a book of His choice, and to purify my heart. He brought me to Matthew, I read it faithfully not knowing why, but I calmed down and felt my eyes drift back to a sweet sleep.

This all became clear when I had an argument with my Hubby's side of the family, and I needed to take control of this dark place in my heart. I was having a conversation with my best friend when I finally blurted out, "I just don't know how to be in a family! It can't be everyone, the problem must be me." Her response put everything into clarity. "You are a peacemaker, and the Lord says "Blessed are the peacemakers". I think because of your recent heartache with your Dad it's causing you to have too high of expectations with your family. Continue to be a peacemaker, and continue to receive His blessings". My friend speaks Jesus, and I am so lucky. I instantly felt the Lord's redeeming love wash over my soul.

I am not the girl with no parents.

I have the Ultimate Father's love all around me.

He was speaking to me through her in that moment you see, because if you finish the verse in Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they are the children of God". I am His child, and so are you. All of my life He has protected me. I am so thankful to feel His love upon me even though I'm not in Heaven yet. Until then my heart is set upon Him.

Becoming an Evangelist

What kind of a world do we live in? A place where millions starve, are tortured, blamed, shamed, and beaten. A place where innocent children are horrifically killed at a place they considered a haven. Where are you Lord? Why? Why do you allow this? Nothing is too great for thee, save us from this! Your own son fell to his knees crippled with fear for his unfathomable death, begging you to save him, and your answer was.....no?

I am an optimistic person, I shield myself from the worries of this world but I must be honest when I say, there are times I feel the world's burden. I question God. I naively think that bad things happen to me because somewhere at some point I did something to deserve it. Sometimes, I have God all wrong. Sometimes, I don't understand what He is doing.   So I let The Lord hear my burdens, I lay them at His feet and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in my grief. I can't think of one time He has not given me peace, and because if my honesty with Him my faith grows stronger.

 We know why God's answer was no to Jesus, his death saved an infinite amount of people. He saved me, my children, my children's children. His pain and suffering, his life started our eternity. I believe the first step to having a relationship with Christ, is knowing God knows better.  But if we need an explanation for all of the terrible things of this world, where does our faith lay? The Lord has told us what to do:

"So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us." 2 Corinthians 5:20
 

God is making his appeal through us?

We as followers, are to do something about it! While saving the world from evil, we are to shine God's light on the way. If we are the "light if the world", how can we shine the light in darkness if we are cuddled up with all of the other lights? Go out in places of grief and despair, where God is not there. Become a prayer warrior, a servant, an evangelist. Ask The Lord to guide your steps. He's waiting for you.  When your child becomes ill, when your husband struggles, or your friend is weary, you are placed upon this earth to appeal the Lord for greater is the reward in Heaven.

Remembering God's Will isn't Always Wrapped in a Pretty Package.

I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. Why then, do I forget that walking under the will of the Most High doesn't always make sense? I have learned that God's will sometimes means I am led places I didn't expect, and in some cases- never really get an answer as to why I was there.

A year and a half ago, the Lord clearly placed on our hearts to home school. We thanked Him for the challenge and even arranged our home and work to offer them a life of learning from their parents. I embraced it whole heartedly, knowing it would be  a struggle but relying on faith that God's hand was over this decision. As time grew on, I became more and more anxious about my role as teacher for my son. To be specific, it was extremely difficult for me to converse with him. It was darn near impossible to get him to look me in the eye, let alone focus on tasks that even interested him. I changed his diet, read a zillion books, remained on my knees and prayed through every step of the way. I also noticed that he would get very high levels of anxiety in social settings, and especially small enclosed rooms. I knew that God has called me to teach my child, but my heart was being changed. I didn't feel right watching my son hindered socially and expressively. I felt the Lord guide me into testing, and gaining more information on him. We decided to get him tested through the school district. There were countless meetings, testings, hearing the word "NO", and being zipped from one school to another. Every meeting was covered in prayer. Every day at school I prayed over my little boy, and asked God to continue to lead him and me. He was tested for Autism, only to come back negative. Finally, I found a specialist in behavioral disorders and within 24 hours he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
It hurts me to type that label. I fear my son will be pigeon-holed into opinions and classifications. Mothers reading this, please don't let anyone tell you who your child is. You KNOW WHO THEY ARE. If it's a label they need to give your child added benefits, then good. In my case it was what we needed to learn more information about our child so we could help him. But never give up on your child, just because they are what professionals consider "different", it doesn't mean anything other than what they write on a piece of paper. I will never ever accept my son is less. I will help and encourage him to be a man of God, and a benefit to this world and our eternal life.

I would be lying if I said I haven't questioned God through this. My human mind is weak at times, and I find myself wondering why God allowed this for my son and for our family. What did I do wrong? How can I endure this?

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives" John 12:24

Sometimes God's will isn't wrapped up in a pretty little package. Sometimes, bad seeds come our way. Unless we die to ourselves, our weak human selves, we will never be able to enjoy the plentiful harvest that is to come. The Lord has taught me more than I ever could've imagine through my son.  I thank the Lord for trusting me with this cup.

Leaping in Faith.

Throwing my hands up in the air, and giving my life completely ( and I mean COMPLETELY) to the Lord has been no easy task. Through this long journey of FINALLY getting into our new place I've been awakened to new things. As much as I thought my hands weren't gripped with white knuckles on to my life, in some ways they were.
Growing up I moved from place to place more times than one can imagine. As soon as we would feel settled something always uprooted us. I'm not sure if I was born this way, or if it was learned but I've come to find out I don't like moving much! I find comfort in knowing I will receive a steady paycheck, and come to my home the way I left it. I don't particularly "jump" into new opportunitys with out weighing all my options, and possibly waiting much to long leaving the iron ice cold;)
Through much prayer the the Lord would provide us with stable renters, on His perfect timing we found them. Leaving us with 30 days to find a place and move. On went our search for the perfect house that would fit all our needs for the future, we were quite sure the Lord would provide down to the last detail. I had narrowed our choices down to 3 about 2 weeks before our move was to start. At the edge of the bed my hubby and I made a pro and con list in hopes we could agree on one! We came to find that our home we knew the Lord would provide was not presented to us yet. I can't even describe how upset I was in that moment.   I could "settle", as Hubby put it, on any of those homes and been perfectly happy! But the Lord has not called us wives to make these decisions ourself. He sees us as one. So if our hearts were not aligned on this home, there was no way His hand was on any of our choices at that time. What comes next? We move in with family till we find it! 4 of us living with his sisters' other large family, hard... but manageable. Would the old me have even considered that? Not a chance. My hands were woven so tightly around my life.I literally lived running from my past. Me moving in by the grace of someone else, would mean parts of my past would surface. And you know what? After I prayed and was still, in that moment I realized, it was ok for me. Because I am more fearful of living off of His perfect way, than His permissive way. So I made the choice to bite the bullet, and let the man next to me really lead this family. It just so happens (and this is not for dramas sake) that 2 short minutes after we ended our conversation about trusting the Lord in where to go, a random Facebook friend posts their home with the exact description of our needs....and $200 under our planned budget. And guess what else? It was not available until 30 days after we move out! How obvious can this be? Had I not given this completely to the Lord, without a doubt we would've been in a less than perfect home, with a far higher payment. Do I doubt for a moment the Lord didn't have His Almighty hand on this? Not for a second.




We've been in our new home about 6 weeks now. We've already started building memories...

Sweet moment with my girl on the patio, teaching signs.

My little man so proud of those Easter eggs!

Took this under the trellis in our yard before church on Easter Sunday!

Lilly helping her Daddy in the yard:)



Not a day goes by the Hubby and I don't look at each other and exhale claiming, "We LOVE this house". We find new reasons why constantly. The girl 1 year ago I sadly admit, would've stamped her foot to her husband and demanded we made a choice on our own. Because, I knew I had gotten to my place in life by making my own decisions.....in a small way I was right. But now, I know the future holds God's plan for us. I make darn well sure that in each decision the Lord has His hand on it. It gives me so much peace. The more I make the choice to listen to the Holy Spirit, the better I hear it. It becomes so much more clear. And I'm reminded of the blessings because of my leap of faith. I am filled with gratitude every day by the home He's blessed for our family.

The Power of the Praying for my Family.

Some of you reading this may roll your eyes thinking this is just another stor. A story that in changing the perspective, would have nothing to do with "praying" and more to do with coincidince. Others may read the title of this post and think back on all of the prayers you invested in your family, how much have been answered, and possibly a few that may be lingering unanswered. I'm writing this because I truly believe in the power of prayer. I've seen things change rapidly that haven't moved in years. It's hard for me to believe I've gone through life with out knowing how powerfull prayer can be. Its even harder to think of the things I've struggled with, and that if they were covered in prayer may have had a different outcome.
Lets start with my husband. Justin has been truly blessed with his job. It's given him the ability to provide easily for our family, a positive Christian based company, no commute, and he gets off in the early afternoon abeling him to be with his family most of the day we're awake. However, most of the years a particular employee he works closely with has had an extremely negative effect on Justin. This person has basically harrassed Justin on every aspect of his life. Justin is strong but sometimes is weakened by his constant cristicism and negativity. It was a constant struggle to see my husband constantly being attacked and belittled. If we were in an argument it always ended in the realization this needed to change. We've been married 8 years and I honestly didn't see how this dark spot on Justin's bright life would ever disappear. I've tried everything for him, Everything I humanly could except pray. I've always looked at prayer as a positive thing. Most of my life prayers were written out for me, and as I'd chant them I would try to relate them to my life. It was a struggle for me to turn my mind around, and positivley pray for difficult issues in our life. After I joined a women's group on praying for our husbands, it forced me to bring difficult topics to light. Our marriage has transformed to a level I never could've imagined we could be at together. Not only did Justin's life at work change, but his involvement with everything in his life has changed. He's excelling in his relationships at work, he's more positive, more involved, and all together just happier. I never mentioned to him the specifics of my prayers, until after we realized things had changed. I can't help but feel guilty for not praying earlier. But it's given me amazing insight on what prayer can do. Small miracles in my life from your view, but it's moved mountains for us.

On to my children.....or more so Austin. Since he's 3 and well nbsp;Lilly's still a baby and the most she needs prayer for isn't quite as complex as toddlers! I'm positive I'm not the only Mother who in the midst of an epic toddler meltdown, looks at the family next to me and covets their compliantly polite children sitting ever so perfectly at the table across from me. Their food is thouroughly enjoyed simultaneously as they discuss politics with their 2 year old, while holding hands and waiting eachothers turn to speak at an even decibal. Before I had children I would watch Mothers in grocery stores with their children's perfectly parted hair, fresh pressed clothes, gazing into their blissfull Mother's eyes not even attempting to ask for the M&M's they're eyeing. I would watch these families and my heart would be giddy with excitement on the prospect I just knew that's how MY family would be. God makes those families because He knows this world needs popuation. I'm sure of that. From the day I found out I was pregnant my journey to parenthood was certainly not up to par with my visions from before!
We take Disneyland trips at least once a month since Austin was 14 months old. You would think at this point we would remember that it's going to be at times exhausting, and not anything near our pre- real life of children expections. We go back because the things we remember are the short beautiful moments when your child runs up to Mickey in a bear hug and has a smile that lights brighter than the Disneyland fireworks. This recent trip to Disney went like clockwork. Right around 2 o'clock (nap time) the gut wrenching screaming starts. My belief is it's a mix of overstimulation, lack of sleep, lack of routine, and way WAY too many exciting things the child is not allowed to touch.  Lets not forget the re-teaching of waiting your turn in line over and over and OVER again. This time when I felt my blood start to boil and things start to fall apart. I silently prayed long and hard for every member in my family, it normally sounds a bit like this. "Lord change us. Grant Austin, Justin, Lilly and me patience. Help Austin to be COMPLIANT, help Lilly sleep easily, give my husband energy and the strength to discipline and lead in the way you want him to. Give me the answers to how I should handle my children in the way YOU know they will respond to. Help us to make a memory here." I utter this over and over and over again. Before I knew it, Justin turned to me in amazement that our son is patiently waiting in line. My son waiting his turn is with out a doubt a miracle for us. Austin sat and ate dinner with almost no complaint, miracle number 2. Both of my children fell asleep peacefully in their strollers, as Justin and I shared an ice cream Sunday. We were stopped 4 times with people giving us looks of "aww such beautiful children". For the 2nd half of our visit, WE were the blissfull family. God gave us a gift that night.  Justin full heartedly believes this was because of prayer. There is just no other answer as to how our son completely changed before our eyes this day. We left feeling a sense of closeness with each family member we did not walk in with.
God is moving in my family. His hands are on each person. And the minute we open our hearts and ears to Him, He's able to form a bond that no one can break. If anyone is struggling with their faith, you just have to give Him the opportunity to move. He is the only One who can change hearts. You have to be willing to let Him.
"When we pray, we are humbling ourselves before God and saying, 'I need Your presence and Your power, Lord. I can't do this with out you.' When we don't pray, it's like saying we have no need of anything outside of ourselves."-Stormie Omartian

On being the Serving Wife

Let me start by stating this post is made for Lilly. When she comes to me saying "OK Mom, I've been married for over 2 years...while I love my husband he's just not....rolling out the red carpet like he used to". This post is for her, and any one reading this who is at this point in their marriage.

Growing up my whole life in a seriously dysfunctional Christian home, I was always told, "God first, spouse second, children third, then others, and lastly yourself. While I disagree the fact that if I don't put my personal relationship with God above all else (the latter people will falter), it always stuck in my brain that it's most important to put your husband above all others. By doing this in a large way, it's benefiting your children more than you can see on the surface.
What does it really mean to put your husband first? Does anyone know how painstakingly difficult it is? I do!! For my personality the biggest thing is for me to just SHUT UP. He will most definately appreciate a woman whom is slow to speak. If you can find that woman, I'd love to meet her. The less I give unwanted advice, and the more I search within myself praying for wisdom....the smoother my home life runs, and the more love I feel towards my man. Truth be told if you say something positive about your husband 10 times a day, you'll eventually believe it. Fake it till you make it...that's the context in that saying right? ;)   Ask yourself why you married him...it's certainly not because you don't like him. Treat him as though he is the "Spiritual leader" your constantly praying for. EVEN IF HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT. (Minus drug, and alcohol addiction, that's another story)

In our home I might be what you would consider an "over achiever". I must fight against the urge to add one more thing to my plate, or try to fix one more human being. For Justin, when I'm exhausted he goes without, how fair is that? What am I showing him by piling my plate? I'm showing him that birthday parties, volunteer ministry, micro managing the house, etc. is more important than him. (No, most men would never search that far within to come up with that, but that's what our insight is for). The other night we were discussing our daily life and how happy we have been feeling towards each other...I'm not gonna lie....I've been pretty good to him. He caught me off guard when he said, "yeah it's been pretty good, except for Tuesday nights. Your always so busy putting laundry away and I'm left with the kids by myself.....Hmmmm........ Do you know how bad I fought waving my arm in the air like a psycho woman, stating all of the things I do, and how I'm doing the best I can at making sure his underwear stay clean, blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure my tongue drew blood from biting it so hard. Later in my quiet time, I thought to myself...... it's just one request, and it really isn't that difficult. Instead of having a "laundry day", I thought to throw a load in once every couple days (MIL I don't want to hear even  a snicker from you if your reading this!) I apologize for not coming up with a more profound story than one that has to do with laundry...but for me, it showed it's soul. It is my honest to God goal to make my husband happy. If you have a man that gets up every morning, provides for you, comes home and does not run-around on you, consider yourself blessed with a keeper. There's always something to complain about, that's what we woman do.

   
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”-Bob Marley

After 9 years together I have no place in my heart for judgement towards him, no woman has a place for that.
You may ask, "what does it mean to serve him"? A man interviewed in "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" kept it pretty clear.

"Men are simple, give me some good lovin, and make me a sandwich"

While there is more to being a wife than lovin and food, men down to the core truly are so easy to please! Put his needs before your own, do you honestly think he won't do the same? You know his heart, you know what pleases him....DO IT. You'll thank yourself later, trust me.

On Forming the Generous Heart

Because of my past, I, as a young girl was not blessed with the gift of generosity. I watched my Mother give the shirt of her back to a person in need, even if it meant my brother and I were left with nothing. In theory what she was doing was a great example. In reality, I was left feeling I was on the back burner, and it hardened my heart to giving. For about a year now, God has transformed my heart.
I recognized I had a hardness to generosity when God gave me my husband. With out a doubt the Lord formed him for me, because where I am lacking...he has abundance! Justin is one of the most generous people I know. And it was him that encouraged me to realize what I have is not because of me, but because the Lord has blessed me my entire life.
My Pastor has once said, that the people who are the richest-give the most. The people who hold on to what they have and give the least-are the most financially burdened.  Will the Lord give me more if I give because it's my duty? No. Your heart must be right. This of course, is not true for everyone, but it was something that stuck with me.
Instead of going through my finances and focus on praying, "Lord provide for us." The Lord did an amazing number to my heart. My prayer now is,"Lord give me people that need from me, so that I can give to them what YOU want."  In giving Him my life, I gave Him my finances, heart, decisions, everything. And because of this, He has blessed us tremendously. No longer do I feel the heavy burden of financial mistakes, or not having enough. He has performed miraculously for us! In doing this I have seen things I never would have if not for this!
In saying this I do not believe in giving blindly! Work out your finances and be smart about it! But, I'd much rather sacrifice my wants, and give from the top, then the scraps we have left.
I leave church every Sunday taking so much from the message, in my heart I feel happy to support my church with my finances...my heart is finally in the right place for giving. If your reading this and feel a heaviness on your heart towards this, ask the Lord to do a work on your heart, and to show what He wants for you.

"When I grasp that I'm a steward, not an owner it totally changes my perspective. Suddenly, I'm not asking 'How much shall I, out of the goodness of my heart, give to you God?' Rather, I'm asking, 'Since all of my money is really yours Lord, how would you like me to invest in YOUR money today?"~Randy Alcorn

Becoming a Woman of Peace

If you've ever spent more than 5 minutes with me during the day, never would the word "Peace" cross your mind. Most of the time you'll see me warming a bottle with a baby on my hip, while hollering across the room for my toddler to stop ______( just come up with anything to fill in the blank right there and I'm sure it wouldn't surprise me!), with a phone attached to my ear, baby food smeared on my shirt, sweat beads on my forehead, all in the middle of using my imagination for the healthiest dinner possible. You'd never believe by watching me that finally, finally....peace dwells with in my heart.

When I look back at my blogs just 3 months ago, I wonder how in the world did I function? Of course I was what I thought at the time "happy"....I guess. When you pass by a homeless person with their entire world strapped to their shoulders, would you stroll by and think "Yup, he's surely filled with joy." I can't stress how important it is for anyone raising kids, not raising kids, a wife, a sister, a student, a grandmother....you get the picture ANYONE, to deal with every burden they've been carrying with them (you'd be surprised at what you've been carrying and not knowing it). The weight taints your life, it makes it literally impossible to be the person God made you to be. In 3 months I dealt with the betrayal of my parents, which lead me to live a life pure of shame, self neglect, feeling unworthy, bitterness, anger, and always needing every one's approval. Now, when an obstacle comes my way such as speeding tickets, running out of gas, an angry neighbor, temper tantrums (not only from my toddler)...... I can deal with them the way God intends us to deal with life's obstacles, running our frail little behinds to HIM. Never did I do that. I've been a Christian my entire life, I always knew God was there and prayed, but I basically felt alone in the way of making day to day decisions. Example- I'd been contemplating how my children were going to be educated, public school, private school, charter school, home school. The normal me would have decided on whatever felt good that minute....but I made the conscious choice to say "Lord show me what YOU want for Austin and Lilly's education". I felt the Lord opened my heart to home school, when my husband was unsure, the normal me would've forced the issue and "put my foot down", instead I came to God again "Lord, align Justin's and my heart, show us both how you want our children to be educated". Literally, at the same time, in 2 separate locations, the Lord performed His miracle in us....he showed us both the very same minute He wanted us to home school our children (of course I had wished the answer was the easy way, but by now we all know that NEVER happens!) Now when/if I ever revisit the topic of schooling my children I never have to think whether or not I made the right choice, the Lord made the choice, we followed. Period. Would the Lord steer me or my children wrong? No way man. How do I know it was the Lord and not me deciding? I prayed, and on more than 3 occasions the Lord showed BOTH Justin and I His answer.

 Do you see how I wondered how in the world I got here by wandering through life? I'll never go back to the old way, there is so much peace in handing the steering wheel of my life to Jesus. My prayer is that everyone can feel this peace in their hearts. Don't carry your crap with you! Deal with it! Let it go! Give it to God...just get it off! He's waiting to do His work in you! Your not alone, not in any part of your life! The Lord is and always has come through for me, now I'm openly letting Him.

The freeing middle word of Forgiveness

"Forgiveness requires one to give, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. To give up the hurt you want so badly to hang on to. To give up the right to make the other person pay for what he or she did. To give up a bad attitude about the person who hurt you. To give up bad-mouthing the person who crushed you. Give, give, give-forgive!"-Marilyn Hontz

Only one person in my life can I think of when reading this. My Mother. Because of her complete selfishness my whole life....it has caused bitterness to dwell in my heart. Why did I not recognize this? The other day my family and I were cheerfully pulling up to the store....my husband and I were in conversation about how much food our kids go through and how we're happy we can provide them with healthy meals. Somewhere a long that conversation a pain full memory popped in my head. "My Mom never went without a pack of cigarettes a day in my life, however we couldn't afford school clothes for us, or food". My mood shifted...through out the store sheer bitterness shadowed my spirit. I told my Mother-in-law the other day that it seems now that I'm the happiest in life...I'm just now dealing with the past that I had pushed so far away.
I always knew I needed to forgive my Mother, I just didn't know how....didn't even know where to start....every time I spoke with her she pushed blame and shame on me, when all I wanted was an apology or some type of accountability! I've realized I won't get that from her. But one thing I do know is that I can break the cycle of bitterness and shame, so my children don't have to pay for what was done to me.
I have broken the cycle by wanting to do ANYTHING for my children, and for that I don't need to carry this with me.....

I will never leave my child in the care of someone else's home while the wife is away leaving my child vulnerable to a man in the household.
I will never leave them sitting outside of school/church/dance class/voice lessons/ or any place for that matter) for hours on end because I was so wrapped up in my own life I forgot where they were.
I won't attempt suicide a week before my child's birthday, and blame it on the rebellious teenager.
I won't tell my child day in and day out that this is the last time I will see them, because I'm about to die of _____(enter any disease you can think of/make up), and tell them they can't burden me with unnecessary needs.
I will be at their graduation, sporting events, recitals, plays, not only will I attend them but I will encourage and be involved with what ever they choose to be involved in.
I will take pride in my daughter and son on their wedding day by being by their side and being involved with the wedding.
I will be their as support financially and emotionally so they never have to feel alone in this world. They will have parents to fall back on.

 Did my Mother intentionally want to cause me harm? Never. She actually was used and abused for most of her younger life. She's also mentally ill (like in the literal chemical imbalance sense in case you haven't noticed). I will forgive her for all of these things. She didn't know better. When I think of her, instead of feeling bitter, I will feel compassion towards her. That doesn't mean I can be in contact with her, but perhaps a letter or two a couple of times a year can't hurt. Just because we forgive, does not mean we can continue to put ourselves or our children, vulnerable to more hurt. Perhaps I could eventually get to that point, but that is what will be in her hands.

I feel so free! One by one the heavy burdens of the past are off my shoulders and I can run faster with head high and eyes wide open!!

 If I could close with one thing to put on your heart. Look deep inside, if someone has done or not done something to you, and you are carrying bitterness or shame...recognize it........and forgive, give it up....give the gift of forgiveness, even if they don't deserve it. It's always better to give than to receive. You and the people around you will benefit from it.

The Lifting of Shame

"Shame is a prevailing sense of worthlessness that leads to the false belief I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless"- Robert S. McGee

Just when I think I've got things under control....I realize....SURPISE!! I don't.

About a week ago we got a phone call from a woman in town that wanted to breed our male dog Bozley. It was extra money that we were thankfull to come across, and made plans to get the 2 dogs together. We had been struggling with fleas ever since a friend of mine unknowingly gave us a dog bed, which infested us with the dirty rotten bugs that never go away! A month before I gutted my entire house and basically(thought I had) shut the door to that challenge. The night before we were supposed to bring Bozley over, I looked down at his hair only to find "Damn" a disgusting little parasite all fat and happy feeding off of my dog. After a long day at work I scrubbed my little dog and picked every flea off his poor body, telling my husband "NO way could I give fleas to this kind lady, we know how rough it's been". Double and triple checking Boz before we got to her house, we dropped him off, signed the papers, and agreed to be in touch after the next week.
Can you guess where I'm going with this?? Yes, you guessed it....
2 days later we get a phone call, "Please pick your dog up immediately, he's covered with fleas". I proceeded to apologize over and over, telling her the lengths I went to to insure that he was clean when we dropped him off.....only for her to interrupt my apologies and rudely scold me saying, "yeah well I really don't know what to tell you except, you really should have told me you were struggling with this, so I could have made the choice on whether we would let him come over or not". Was she right? Yes. Did I intend to give her dog fleas? No. Would it have been nice for her to have understood my intentions, given me a little grace, and accepted my offer to pay for Frontline so the problem could be solved? Well I've realized I can't control how others react to situations...I can only control my reaction. For the next week I DWELLED IN SHAME. My heart sank everytime  I thought of the situation. I felt guilty. Foolish. Why did I make that mistake? She probably thinks I'm a liar. She's best friends with the Pastor's wife....great, now my entire church will be whispering about my gross neglected dog......why didn't you think Alisha? Maybe you should get rid of your dog...your too focused on your children to worry about your dog...other people have it together...you don't.
There are healthy levels of shame....a normal person would say "wow, bummer. Ok I did what I could, my intentions were good, I can't control if she's upset with me". But my shame dug to the core....a completely unhealthy level. I beat myself up about it day in and day out. This is not normal people. Growing up in the life I've led, I've developed a need to please everybody. If I was wrong or made someone dissapointed in me, it beat me to the core. I've lived my life wanting everyone's approval. Why? I'll find out eventually. But I can't make the mistake of believing I'm unworthy. Just reading these words "you are a beloved child of Jesus"...before I could not accept. Now I realize how rediculous that is! Have you ever met a Christ-filled person on this planet that has NEVER made a mistake? My mistakes are not ME.
I AM a beloved daughter of Christ. (Period)
I AM  worthy of His love. (Period)
How I was treated in the past will never define me. The mistakes I've made in the past will not rest on my shoulders.
Luckily I have a beautiful friend that basically has God on speed dial. She recognized the deep seed of shame that rested on my heart. In the middle of the night, as I lay awake praying the heavy burdens away, the Holy Spirit awakened her, and told her to give me this book:

If any of you struggle with the enemy of shame...Recognize it, and read this. It's helped me more than I even can describe.

On a side note. It's a tremendous blessing to have friends that walk with God...sometimes He uses them to speak to you!

No longer will I let the enemy have this control over my heart. No one could have fixed this in me...I couldn't even fix it. I now feel pure, and loved, and yes...we all make mistakes or falter....we're HUMAN!!! I can walk to the throne knowing God is grace filled, and I am loved.

Call on Him.

6am Friday morning: Alarm goes off, start to get ready for work today. Got to get myself showered and pretty before the kids wake up, so I won't be late for work.

730am: Kids awake. Breakfast fed. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the t.v, so they can be entertained while I finish getting their lunches together.

740am: I must remember to send my cousin her care package (she's in her first trimester of pregnancy) so I have to dig in the garage for my beloved "What to Expect When Your Expecting"/Pregnancy bible. I put Lilly in her bouncer, she's just learning to crawl so I know she'll be safe in their for a minute or two while I dig out the book.

742am: With the book in hand I turn towards the door to walk back in the house from my garage.

.....Slam.......

My body slams into the door.....it's locked.

What the......

Oh Dear God.

Austin finally did it....he locked me out of my own damn house.

Knock. Knock. "Austin open this door"

I hear Austin and Lilly laughing at Mickey in the living room.

Damn Mickey, he's so distracting with that mouse voice.

BANG BANG

"Auuustiiiiin, open this door NOW"

I hear Austin walk up to the door and whine a little.

I proceed to give instructions on how to open the lock...I start to get hopeful since he's been following directions really well these days....

to no avail

I hear my son give up, and walk up the stairs to his room.

"Shoot" (I didn't really use that nice of a word)

I look around. All I see around me is the broken sliding garage door we choose not to get fixed because, "It's 200 bucks to repair, and we don't really need it to work anyway".

Why do I have to be such a cheapskate?

Why couldn't I be more like my husband and take my phone with me wherever I go?

I look at my watch:
8:00am- I'm not supposed to be at my Mother-in-law's till 9:30 to drop off the kids.
Who will ever know that I'm stuck in here? My client at work I'm supposed to meet at 10:30.
Will I really be stuck in here for 3 more hours?
Oh God.
What about Lilly.
 She's in her bouncer....so she's somewhat safe. What if Austin gives Lilly something and she chokes on it, and I'm in here? Who the heck is going to save her? Or what if Austin falls or chokes?
Dear God I need to get out of here.
I start to viciously bang on the door, crying out to Austin to open the door NOW!!!!
I lean against the door and start to sob.
The garage is starting to get really hot, and I long for my husband to be near me.
I get up and try to open the garage door. My husband did some things to it since it's been broken. I figured out how to unlock it so I could lift it up.
The darn thing weighs at least 200 lbs. You see, it's broken because the track is broken. That means, not only do I have to lift it all the way up, I have to re bend 3 inch metal perfectly straight so the track will glide.
Holy....I really wish I knew how to fix things at this moment in time.
I see a black widow crawl across the garage door. For a split second I started to jump back. Instead of regressing like the girl me normally would, I balled up my fist and punched that (unfortunate) spider as hard as I could...I felt it's body crunch against my knuckles.
The Mama Bear in me has emerged.
I squat down like a sumo wrestler and use all of my weight and force to lift that garage door up. I feel my legs shake, my fingers pinch against the metal, my shoulders tremble from my muscles stretching, a drop of sweat drips down my forehead as I clench my jaw....the door moves up about 4 inches from the ground.

Well Shit.

8:55am:

I pull myself together and try again. And again. I'm not giving up. Before the next time I try, I start to pray:

"Lord, all things are possible through you. I try not to ask for much. My children need me right now. Please, please....get me to them"

"Click"
Austin un locks the door.
Wow...."Ok thank you Lord!"
I learned a lot about myself this morning. I obviously would do anything to not have to ask for help. I could've banged on the garage instead of the house asking for neighbore's help. I have too much pride for that. Why didn't I pray from the very beginning? Why don't I talk to God more? I know this... why didnt' I ask for help from the start? Well I know why. But not anymore. My kids needed me today. For once instead of them learning from me, I've learned from them. Talk to God in the mundane, talk to Him when your sad, happy, thankful, cheerful, anxious....talk to Him when your at your wits end. He's waiting, He wants to help us. Ask Him to.

Guiding the Will

Being a parent for me has been a long journey. At first, I wanted to give anything and everything to my son. Even before I thought he would want it I would give it to him. I laugh when I think of a circumstance at my Mother-in-law's house....
There was a new jumper toy for babies she asked me to see if he liked, she turned around for a second, turned back, and said "well are you going to put him in it?" I replied "I did, he made a face, so I took him out, he doesn't like it".  She looked at me and rolled her eyes like I was crazy....I was.
Another circumstance showing I had no control, was when we decided to take a vacation to Oregon to visit my family. More exhausting than a relaxing vacation, it almost wasn't even worth it....he was into everything!
We entered in my Aunt's house. The minute I walked in, I just wanted to die. In every place you looked there was a tiny porcelin figurine...all at ground level for my 1 year olds curious fingers. She simply stated "OH don't worry there isn't anything he can break that isn't replaceable"....yeah right. It wasn't 30 minutes into the visit when he found 2 precious moments figures, one in each hand, before I could even open my mouth he smashed them both 2 sharp times, causing there heads rolling on the floor at his feet. I was mortified. On the way home the only thing I felt was shame. I felt the only place for my son and I was in our home (where is was babyproofed). We couldn't go anywhere (the world is not babyproofed). Everywhere there was some type of meltdown, something breaking, my husband and I arguing over how to resolve the conflict....we were a mess and it was our fault.
Perhaps giving your child everything their soul desires isn't the right thing? Bingo! In my defense, I didn't know better. In Austin's defense, he was simply being guided by the blind!
It wasn't until Lilly was born that I absolutely needed to gain control over my son. My hands were tied and I just couldn't follow him around everywhere. I had no idea that a firm hand could be so beneficial towards him.

Most of you know that basically all I do is read parenting books. Most of them say "Control their will now, or you never will". What gift was I giving him by letting him make the rules? How was that loving him? It's not. It is our responsibility to show them right from wrong. It is our responsibility to make sure your husbands come home to a house at rest. We must guide them! Letting them give in to the desires of the flesh is setting yourself up for a confused and angry teenager.
A huge fear of mine used to be that my children would grow up and hate me. Or worse, hate God.
In my current book it states in BOLD;
"FROM BIRTH, PARENTS MUST ASSUME CONTROL AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE MORAL DEVELOPMENT OF THEIR CHILDREN"
So lets get this straight, if the parents gain control...eventually when the parents aren't there who will guide them? God. It's hand in hand.
Does this mean we should destroy all of their natural drives? No. It isn't our job to be policeman. But we must teach them self control. Most of what you teach them before the age of 3, will stay with them forever. Don't take this responsibility lightly. And this also doesn't mean they will never test their boundaries, or one day eventually falter. One thing I know for sure is that when my children grow up, they will know right from wrong, they will know accountability, and self control. If they falter, I will know I did the best I possibly could to guide them. I love them that much.
For all Mommies out there I recommend these 2 books:

Please remember where the heart of the matter is. In no way do I think my children will know I love them by showing them discipline. It's more about training them the right way, so punishment will be dramatically less. How awesome is that?

 Training them BEFORE they faltar = less punishment!!

This past week I've needed to line up boundaries in my home. My home is a house at peace, and Austin is a calmer, much happier little boy, who I now can enjoy bonding moments and cuddles, because he knows he doesn't have to think of anything else but just being a kid. Do you think a screaming toddler in a store is happy? No. Are you? No! Was I happy that I was holed up in my house for 2 years and couldn't take him anywhere? Why did I even want more children if that was the case? All of these things I'm learning. My children are such a blessing to my life. They bring me joy and honor. And I LOVE being their Mommy.

Losing Fear's Grip

Fear....Just saying the word right now....I feel a tug of war at my heart. The enemy really attacks you when your doing well. Just as I was  getting closer and closer to the place I want to be....a war was erupting between good and evil in me.

Lets start at the very beginning.


February of 2010 I find out I'm pregnant with Lilly. Not 2 weeks later, as I'm drifting to sleep, in the safety of my home, I open my eyes to see some sort of a women figure moving her head up and down at the foot of my bed.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I turn on the lights and (freak my husband out) telling him what just happened! I know sometimes people can hallucinate just before their brain shuts down to sleep, so I calm myself and snuggle back into my pillow.

Just as my body drifts off to dreamland.....

Right behind my ear (on the otherside of my husband) I hear a loud angry grunt not 2 inches away.

"WAAAAAAAHHHH"

This time I'm sobbing and can't even move or breath. I've never been so scared in my life....in my entire life.

For the next year and a half, I feel an enormous weight of anxiety. At first I couldn't sleep with my closet open (apparently the creepy girl was living in there, don't ask why), I had to remain completely covered with blankets to sleep...all this irrational fear was that I would see or hear something again. After Lilly was born I was convinced it was some spirit trying to harm my Lilly, I felt as if whatever this was...was angry, and jealous that Lilly was here. After Lilly was born I couldn't be alone with her in her room, in the dark. I tried and tried to pray whatever was haunting me away, or tell myself it was just hallucinations or hormones from the pregnancy....nothing worked, nothing mattered. I lived in a state of fear for 16 months straight. I can't even believe that as I type it. I would wake up sweating from dreams of my children being harmed, then not able to sleep for hours. My heart would race in the middle of the night. It consumed me mostly at night. What I was most afraid of, was my children being harmed. My precious gifts. You see, in my life...there are 2 different books...there is B.J. (Before Justin) and A.J. (After Justin). I guess my fear was that BJ was going to take AJ!!

I wish you knew how hard it is for me to share this with you. I know inside (or outside) your laughing that I'm a leunatic!
But trust me, I'm about to get rational.

Whether you or I believe in spirits or ghosts (or crazy angry girls with heads that nod!) doesn't really matter. What was truly happening here is the enemy was desperately gripping whatever last part of me he could get his hands on! Of course that's why the spirit of fear took residance in my house just as I was pregnant with Lilly, I was finding completion, finding happiness. Now, I truly had enough of this grip. So, I asked a good friend of mine whom is extremely scripture knowledgable, to spend an hour with me to discuss a solution. This is what we discussed;

 Fear, is NOT from God...therefore it must be from what is Evil.

Matthew 10:1 - Jesus called his 12 disciples and gave them AUTHORITY to cast out evil spirits.

I needed to find strength and AUTHORITY against the enemy. I was weak, and praying them away out of fear. Since this discussion I have felt refreshed. Whatever was not of God is not allowed in my home. I'm able to walk (in the dark) and sleep soundly knowing as it states in Hebrews 1, that Jesus is more powerful than the spiritual realm. Therefore, Jesus has authority over my house.  This is a huge step for me. Just another step closer truly being the woman I want to be.

Finding Completion

After the birth of my daughter, the first thing people ask me is "So... are you done?"
My Hubby and I had both prayed to have at least one child of each gender. Now that we have been blessed with both....are we really done? Can we close this chapter in our lives and move on?
For 6 months (since Lilly was born) I've searched deep with in my soul and have gone back and forth on my answer.
I can't begin to describe the sense of completion I feel enjoying my daughter. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I think about us getting pedicures together, placing a flower in her hair for prom, standing behind her on her wedding day telling her how beautiful she looks, as I clasp her necklace on. I've ached for a daughter since I was married! We even decided on the name Lilly Bea a few months before the wedding....if you look on our invitations there are lily's, in every window at the altar where we said our vows...lily's....all through our wedding we had hints of lily's, and we were married for 7 years before we had her! She was meant to be, and a gift from God and I just feel so complete with her here.

Of course we know how much Austin is close to my heart! He is my heart! He was my first! He has more charm than Hubby and I and the whole world put together! After having a miscarriage from my first pregnancy, I cried every night. I felt I was cheated out of being a Mother. I ached and ached to be pregnant again. And when I found out I was pregant with Austin (3 months after the miscarriage), I knew it was in the Lord's plan for Austin to be in this world, because it wouldn't have been possible if I remained pregnant with the first....after everything we went through, Austin was meant to walk on this world. And what a joy he is to this world!  When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my neck, I know how much he loves his Mommy, or when he wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and perks his cute lips up to kiss me for saving him...I melt. When I see him chasing his Daddy around all day to be just like him...thats when I feel....complete.

This sense of completion didn't enter my mind until Lilly came to the world. Before her, I knew we were not a family of 3. It feels great to know that we can move forward and be able to look back on the memories.


However, I can't seal the book shut! I wish I could!  I can go as far to say that Justin and I don't feel the need to have another child. But we would like to live on God's perfect way, not His permissive way. No surgury's, or snipping...just the good old fashion control that worked before! We'll revisit the subject in a few years. For now, I'm happy, I'm so blessed.... I love my husband, my children, my job, my church, my family, my friends. Could this girl be any more blessed? God only knows;)

Becoming a House at Rest....

Do you live in a house at rest? Or a house at war? If you have been reading my blog, you wouldn't be surprised to know that I have been going through a bit of a struggle this past month...finally it had taken it's toll on my husband. My house -The Kreissig home-, was in a house at war.
It starts little by little. Your driving to work in traffic (speeding ticket doesn't help!), you walk into the break room to hear a giant negativity fest on who's doing what wrong,  your mood shifts, your day continues, and your tired body drives home, you walk in the door only to find... utter chaos......this is the key point here....at the end of the day your family gets the tired soul that in the beginning of the day is battling against the war, at the end of the day sometimes you just don't have the strength to fight it off.
For me, when my soul is tired;
 I nag my husband.
 I raise my voice to my son.
 I yell at my poor little ignored Bozley that is constantly under my feet

Here is a little tid-bit of what my home sounded like after I walked in the door last week

"Babe next time can you PLEASE load the salad bowl on the top rack not the bottom? You warped it!" (I'm lucky he even does the dishes)....Austin "GET OFF THE TABLE"....Lilly is in the back round giving me a warning she's hungry...."Bozley GO TO YOUR ROOM" (as my dog was trying to give me a greeting by scratching at my legs quickly runs to his kennel)...."Babe, SERIOUSLY there is an OPEN dirty diaper sitting on the FLOOR!! (again, the things I nag and yell at him for seem to be things I should be appreciative he even does!) Lilly has taken to doing her high pitched shrill because it's the only way she can be heard above the chaos...."Austin is throwing a tantrum because he is trying to communicate he's hungry and wants to get into the fruit basket, "Austin USE YOUR WORDS"... All the while Justin is sitting on the couch wanting to just pass out from his 10 hour day at work, then immediately being the sole parent while I work until 7:30. "BABE PLEEEASE TURN OFF THE TV!!!"


Reading this,  makes me sad how I treat the people I love. Reading this, also makes me see how easy it is for things to get out of control. We as women set the mood for our house. It is up to us to change this.
Saturday night as my hubby and I sat down to have our quiet time, I turned to him and said "You are depressed, what is wrong with you? You're so negative lately, and I feel like I don't even know you." In saying this to him, I was saying to myself as well. He replied "I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, I go to work and it's negative, I come home and your always in a bad mood, the kids are crazy, I work for the weekend....it goes by so fast, and then everything starts all over". This scared me. How could this have happened? Did I do this to my husband? Does his biggest source of happiness start with me? Did I turn him into this empty shell in a few short (hard) weeks? The answer to all of this is YES.
Sunday morning at church the Pastor asked us "Do you live in a house at war? Or a house at rest? When you drive up to your house, do you feel a sense of peace? Or do you feel tense? Is there yelling? (a pit in my stomach formed as I sink in my chair) Is there conditional love, where you will only treat someone with love if they treat you with love first? (I sink a little lower) Are you nagging at your spouse? (At this point I'm basically off my chair in pure shame)...
For everything that I work so hard for, for all of the answers I feel I know, for everything I strive every day to be....it all could fall apart on me in a those short weeks. And it did. And I only have me to blame. STUPID! I'm so happy our Pastor hits us on the head every now and then, because we all need a little wake up call.
Don't take the pressures of the world out on your family. Your loved ones are on YOUR side! As much as you might think that you don't....you might find that you do. Try video tapping your home for 10 minutes and listen to what is being said. I'm ashamed at how often I was yelling at my little "hearts on legs"
I really don't want any yelling in my home. It snowballs from there, and quickly becomes an avalanche of more and more yelling. I have posted a note in the heart of my home (the kitchen) that reads "House of Rest", as a reminder to myself not to yell, to take a deep breathe before I open my mouth. My mouth, after all, is my greatest weapon in turning my home into a war zone. This is going to be hard, and it will be work...but what I am working towards I know is my greatest blessing.
My family.

How could you yell at those faces?

His Perfect Way....not MY way.

Have you ever had just "one of those days". This morning I overslept,  raced out the door (didn't even get Austin out of his pj's) threw the kids in the car (no I did NOT literally throw them) and drove to my Mother-in-laws house to drop off the kids. Just as I was pulling into my salon I see flashing lights behind me....my heart sank.....SPEEDING TICKET.
I had informed my patiently waiting client by phone that I was in the process of recieving a ticket so I would be walking in shortly :( As I dried my tears (in the air conditioner of my car no less) I forced myself to have a positive face for the day, just because my day wasn't great I wasn't about to ruin my beloved clients day as well. As I started to shampoo her hair she stated to me "God has a purpose for everything, wait for him to show you what you can learn from Him." She couldn't see me as I rolled my eyes thinking, "yeah sure, He'll use my 300.00 speeding ticket as a life lesson I'm sooo positive I can learn from this". Little did I know, God was answering my prayer as I recieved this blow to my bank account.
Hubby and I have had the desire in our heart to invest in a larger home. We bought our lovely condo when it was just the 2 of us...needless to say 2 kids later, we're basically maxed out. But even more than that, I've been struggling with the fact that I work (not really work I love what I do)...although I'm only away from my kids 2 or 3 days a week, I just feel guilty about leaving them those days! We really would like a bigger home so that I can build my own salon in it and work from there... less commute, more flexible hours, would only be working for me... the positives are endless. The desire is to be with my children and husband more, the perks of having a larger house with a payment that is about the same as we pay now, is a bonus!
Later in the afternoon, we found out that we basically can only get a loan if we can put down $25,000. I felt like Scarlette O'hara when the Yankees wanted the taxes on Terra "$25,000 might as well be a million".  No way in this earth can I save that much money! But there are other possibilities, I guess I'll just have to........
wait.
You see, on my way to work this day I prayed to the Lord "Please, give me a neon sign...I'll do what you want, if this is what YOU want".
Never would I have thought that the lights of a motorcyle police officer would've been my "neon sign". SLOW DOWN. WAIT.
The Lord knows the desires of my heart, and I LOVE that He has a sense of humor! ( I wish it didn't come in the form of a speeding ticket but hey....I asked for it)
I want to live God's perfect way, not His permissive way. If it is in His perfect way for me to wait and save as much as possible...than that is what we shall do. I love that He knows what to do with my life more than I.

Do you see the little Casita on the right? That's the salon....someday:)

These are my weights.

As I sat down to write tonight. I sat here with a heavy heart. I haven't posted in a couple weeks because I knew  that if I sat down to type, it would open the heavy burden of my past that has consumed me more now than it ever has in my life.
I sat here and was going to tell you all about how when I was 2 years old, my Mother took my Sister and left me with my Father till I was 3. A few years ago my Mother blindingly gave me the information that while they were gone, "the babysitter would call me and tell me you had un-attended to ear infections, and would sit in the corner and shake"....some things....I could've done with out knowing. When I spoke with my Sister about how deeply hurt I am with my Mother leaving me, she tried to console me by saying "Mom was really good with you when you were young, she got really mad at your Dad when he'd slap you across the face"...again...could've done with out.
Recently I've been in contact with a sibling of my Mother's...I have great memories with the person's family, I found out that when I was 10 after my Mother tried for the second time to commit suicide (leaving me again for the um-tenth time) this family tried to keep my brother and I as their own. My Mother wouldn't sign over custody unless she could've come and been taken care of as well. This is the part that has been haunting me. Why couldn't she have known what was good for us and just let us go? I could've lived with a beautiful family, a stable environment, with a Mom that would do things like...in the middle of the night get all of the kids out of bed and give us flashlights searching for racoons!! I could've met my soul-mate Justin a different person, one that didn't have baggage, that trusted-and possibly had a family that could contribute to our family as well!
I know God had a purpose for me. My life is so beautiful now. I've never ever dealt with my past. I wasn't ready to, now for some reason the wounds are finally bleeding and I haven't known what to do with them...
Until now.
As I sat here to use you as my counselor, I scrolled down to a fellow bloggers titled post "Weights become wings".
These are my weights, these are the things that have been weighing me down. Please Lord, turn them into wings. Help me help others by what has been done (or not done) to me, so that maybe one person on this earth will hurt a little less.
I'm thankful of that person's blog, because I finally feel that all by myself, I can move on....

Harboring our Feelings

If you are a woman and you can say that you have zero insecurities----YOUR LIEING. How many of us get swallowed up by our insecurities? How many of us let them rule over us, influencing our every move? How can we move past them, in order to live a positive life? How can we continue to have healthy long lasting relationships?

Most people who know me would never see insecurity on my face. Your first impression of me would more often be that I'm a confidant woman immediately as I walk into a room. Don't let my face fool you.
This past week I must admit I've been struggling with what I've figured out...is little devils tucked deep beneath my confidant facade. I am most insecure of people I love leaving me. My poor husband of 7 years still has to pay for what was done to me in my past. I feel sorry for him at times.


This Saturday my family and I were eating lunch at my favorite (don't ask why) kid friendly restaurant Red Robin. I was in a particular hormonal mood....prior to lunch we had our pictures done and any of you that have 2 small children know how stressful that can be. I looked across the table and saw my husband staring at a woman clear on the other side of the room, with a forced hidden smirk all over his face. I asked him "what are you smiling at?" he replied, still forcing his lips to not turn up "I'll tell you later" I pushed "No, tell me right now...I'm going to sit here and stare at you until you tell me what the heck is going on in your head" (Wow, and yet he loves that I have determination...somehow I don't think he does at this point) I'm not sure why I absolutely needed to know why he was staring at that woman...yes I have insecurities but hardly not about other women. Finally after about 5 minutes of back and forthing, he sadly looked at me and said "I told them to sing Happy Birthday to you, because I wanted to see you smile".......
Oh man......
Not only did I feel like a complete jerk, but I had robbed him of giving me the kindest gesture that I was already completely undeserving of. I was speechless and made a vow to myself to never push him into submission again!
On the way home, my guilt as a wife that day had overwhelmed me. I turned to him and explained "I'm afraid you are going to leave me and the kids, if I don't make you happy"....This is why I feel sorry for my poor husband. After 7 years? Has he not shown me he is in it for the long haul? Will he ever be able to prove it? Will I ever feel secure? The answer.....

Probably not.

Insecurity is a feeling. No matter what or where the root of it lies...it is a feeling. If you live your life on a feeling...your never really going to live. I let my feelings control me that day. I was hormonal, I felt insecure....blah blah....all feelings. And look at the damage it caused? We as woman must harbor those feelings. Don't let them control you, because if you do...someday what you are feeling (afraid of loved ones leaving)  really will come true. The next time I feel those feelings of insecurity creep up, for the sake of my husband and children, I must keep them under control. I like to write them down and put them in my "God Box". Giving it to God, He knows where those little devils belong.

The 5 month itch

Lilly Bea will be 5 months old in 5 days. Since day one she has been exclusively breast fed with little to no problems. Since I developed mastitis about a month ago...breastfeeding has pretty much sucked. My supply went to an all time low on what I call "the bad side" (it's my right side, milk comes slow, it looks basically deformed and it's where I've had mastitis 3 times....not to mention it's now 2 cup sizes smaller than the other) every time I put her there she fusses-yells at me-pulls away (you can imagine how embarrassing this gets in public when she violently flings her head back exposing my sad little boob the minute I even tilt her to the right side). It's really not very glamorous...I work 2 or 3 days a week and have to find the time for 20 minutes of pumping 3 times a day-I barely have time to use the restroom at my job. And pumping SUCKS. That's the non glamorous part...I'm literally being milked LIKE  A COW in a bathroom with random knocks at the door for patrons wanting to use the toilet!

Everything was so easy before! Why is this the dreadful month? Same thing happened with Austin!! I've contracted an illness...I've diagnosed myself with

THE 5 MONTH (breastfeeding) ITCH

I know your thinking "umm...duh she's gonna quit" ...No...I'm apparently a masochistic Mother. I will stay in this and struggle day by day until I really have no other option. I pray it gets better. I make it sound terrible, but really I'm just venting.

Ok time to be positive

It's free. It doesn't smell like sour disgustingness that I wouldn't put in my own mouth. (I'm not judging formula...I only nursed Austin exclusively for under 8 months). It's statistically proven to lower her and my risk of breast cancer, helps her immunity, less likely to be a picky eater, I can eat a donut and not feel bad <--------- my favorite ;) Lots and lots of more reasons.....and really the bonding experience is like no other when she's on "the good side"

I'm just venting....like so many other breastfeeding Mother's (Where are they? Because I only know of my sister at the moment!) We see bottle fed babies, and they sleep all night, can be fed easily half the amount of times I nurse, the mommies can drink 8 cups of coffee a day with not a worry (Lil Bea would be wired!!)

Oops I started being negative again...

Am I going to stop right now? No. Do I want to? Not really. Would I love prayers and words of encouragement? Yes please!! I'm trying to do what's best for her because I've come this far, maybe this is just a little hurdle. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now I must hit my goal of 6 months and after that we'll see where we are after that.

This is a very personal pic. Lilly looking up at me after her very first latch.

My Sis Jess and I nursing under the communal blanket!

Manners....not just for old people.

Currently I'm reading "Bringing up Girls" by the great Dr. Dobson. In the chapeter "Teaching Girls to be Ladies", he says "Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals". .....Manners? The 21st century has often encouraged us as girls to be; crude, loud, profane, immodest, aggressive. That's in our nature. Does it not totally make sense that if we are taught "the rules" as young children such as manners....that later our heads would connect that our morals are important because....it's "the rules" it's how you live life, it's how you build integrity, and it is ALL very very important.
 How can I teach my daughter manners in this world? Look at the world she is being exposed to!!! Instead of sitting here depressed at how dark and immoral this world has come to, there is hope people.
Statistically it is proven that a child brought up in the best private school, the most involved in church, being thrown into all that is most Holy....pales in comparison to what is being taught in the home. We all know this ~leading by example~. Also, children will remember repetition, traditions....something that has been done over and over such as: reading a story every night, bedtime routine....

Dinner together as a family

That's where manners are instilled! That's where the family connects. That needs to happen!! EVERY NIGHT!!!  Lets be real, maybe not every night....5 out of 7 at least. Dinner together as a family is a perfect way to show her by example, and repetition...things like....
Not interuppting (patience), waiting until everyone is served before you start to eat (thinking of others before you), praying (Christ centered life), and having these expectations of her while deepening our bond as a family.
"Don't put your elbows on the table or I'll poke you with my fork!!" No, that definately would not deepen our bond...hehe.
 In this horrible world where TV is constantly blaring ME ME ME she will learn most of what she needs socially through her manners. Call me an old fart or whatever, but I now know the meaning and importance of manners. And both my children will be shown it....at the dinner table every (almost every) night.

I searched "image of etiquette" I thought this was pretty good...Mother and Daughter setting the table for their family? Really looking forward to this with her.